Dating Archives - 国产吃瓜黑料 Online /tag/dating/ Live Bravely Fri, 08 Nov 2024 17:29:23 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.7.1 https://cdn.outsideonline.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/07/favicon-194x194-1.png Dating Archives - 国产吃瓜黑料 Online /tag/dating/ 32 32 Do Couples That Ski Together Stay Together? /podcast/adventure-marriages-paddy-oconnell/ Wed, 14 Feb 2024 12:00:09 +0000 /?post_type=podcast&p=2659732 Do Couples That Ski Together Stay Together?

国产吃瓜黑料s can provide fuel for romance, but only if you know how to take what you learned in the mountains back home

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Do Couples That Ski Together Stay Together?

国产吃瓜黑料s can provide fuel for romance, but only if you know how to take what you learned in the mountains back home. Just ask Paddy O鈥機onnell. Paddy loves two things: fresh pow, and his wife, Carly. On their one-year wedding anniversary, the cutest couple in all of the outdoors ventured to Portillo, Chile to contemplate their affection for skiing and each other. And eat great food. And get massages. And hike to powder so they could eat more great food. Then came the hard part: holding onto those feelings when it was all over.

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Ski Boys Are My Weakness /culture/love-humor/dating-mountain-town-ski-boys/ Fri, 19 Jan 2024 14:00:42 +0000 /?p=2657825 Ski Boys Are My Weakness

Pam Houston, the author of a timeless book about dating wild and adventurous men, helped me navigate romantic frustrations in a mountain town.

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Ski Boys Are My Weakness

I got dumped last April. Technically, we were never really together鈥攊n the blurred lines of the dating world today, we were exclusive, meaning we weren鈥檛 seeing anyone else, but he refused the title 鈥渂oyfriend.鈥 After three months of acting like he was my boyfriend, he did what everyone is frustratingly entitled to do鈥攈e changed his mind.

When something like this happens, I turn to the women in my life. First I called my sister, Cricket. There鈥檚 nothing more validating than hearing her tell me I鈥檓 smart and beautiful and deserving of love. After her I spoke to my friends. I live in Bozeman, Montana, with two wildly independent, hilarious women, and our stories of dating ski instructors, hunters, and backcountry firefighters could easily fill a book. Finally, I reached out to my mom, Kris, who reminded me that there is in fact a book that explores the frustrations of dating this type of man鈥攁 book written by one of my literary heroes. As I cried, my mom said, 鈥淛ust think of all the duds Pam Houston dated.鈥

, Houston鈥檚 1992 debut, is a collection of fictional stories based on her personal experiences in the American West. My mom gave me her copy a few years ago, just before I went through my first real breakup. The stories are written from the perspectives of various brave, smart women, all of whom pursue relationships with wild men. There鈥檚 a reckless river junkie who puts the narrator鈥檚 life in danger on a Class V rapid, a bristly hunter who one woman follows deep into the woods of Alaska, and a sweet rancher who takes a woman dancing. The men in the book, too unrestrained to settle down, never commit to the narrators and eventually leave them feeling empty. I am familiar with the scenario.

Thirty-one years after it came out, Cowboys still feels relevant, perhaps even more so than when it first appeared. These days women fill mountain towns, attracted by the lifestyle that comes from living near ski resorts, raging rivers, and formidable crags. We feel more welcome in these outdoor communities than our predecessors did decades ago. Some of us are also attracted to the men who live in them; for better and worse, I鈥檓 personally drawn to the ones who refuse to settle down. And like Houston鈥檚 characters, I often surrendered my power in a relationship, sacrificing my wants and needs to the man in my life. One of my salvations is Houston鈥檚 writing. Her books are a reminder to define myself by my own untamed nature, not by the flaky men I date.

鈥淢en are always excused for loving the wilderness or loving adventure or loving whatever more than the woman,鈥 Houston said. 鈥淲omen aren鈥檛 excused for that.鈥

My brushes with single life have come during time spent in mountain towns, specifically in Santa Fe, in Truckee, and now in Bozeman. These are places ripe for the pursuit of skiing, mountain biking, camping, and other outdoor passions. Alas, they鈥檙e also places where Houston鈥檚 cowboys are primarily what鈥檚 on the dating menu. This definition of cowboy isn鈥檛 a man who uses a lasso and rides a horse; it covers any guy who鈥檚 fantastically skilled at exactly one outdoorsy pursuit and emotionally unavailable. He can be a fly guide, a ranch hand, a mountain-bike mechanic, or a semipro athlete who works construction in the summer. These kinds of cowboys are very much still around, and I can鈥檛 get enough of them. My mother isn鈥檛 thrilled about it.

An avalanche of websites and social media posts tell women that our situation has improved in traditional heterosexual relationships. Men are more tuned in to their emotions, and women no longer feel the old pressures to marry in their twenties. We have funny new lingo to help us understand dating pitfalls, terms like breadcrumbing, exclusive, and, of course, ghosting. (Breadcrumbing means to lead somebody on with small, inconsistent validations that ultimately go nowhere. If you didn鈥檛 already know that, congratulations.) In a mountain town, the lopsided ratio of men to women places power in women鈥檚 hands鈥攁llegedly. So why have I and almost all my girlfriends experienced the same 鈥渉eterosexual blues鈥 again and again? (That term is from a review of Cowboys, by the way.)

In fact, as I reread Houston鈥檚 collection for the seventh time after my April breakup, I had a new question: Has nothing changed for women in mountain towns? In October, I called her to discuss the dynamic鈥攁nd to find out if the cowboys she wrote about decades ago will ever change.

In some ways, we agreed that the expectations placed on men and women have not shifted dramatically since the nineties. By and large, men will always be forgiven for perfecting their sports or risking their lives outdoors. Usually, women don鈥檛 get the same slack. After big-mountain skier Hilaree Nelson died on 26,781-foot Manaslu in 2022, some online commenters criticized her because she left children behind.

鈥淢en are always excused for loving the wilderness or loving adventure or loving whatever more than the woman,鈥 Houston said. 鈥淲omen aren鈥檛 excused for that, even though I know many, many women for whom all their major life decisions are based on how much they want to be outside and how much they want to be free to do their sport.鈥 That perspective rings true: I still feel compelled to elevate my relationships over my outdoor passions, and I鈥檓 privileged to be surrounded by progressive, feminist friends and family.

But there鈥檚 one major difference between the nineties and today. Houston told me that she remembers thinking back then: I don鈥檛 want to be as good as them鈥擨 just want to be good enough so they don鈥檛 notice I鈥檓 here. 鈥淭hat鈥檚 not someone who wants to be president or summit a mountain,鈥 she told me. 鈥淚t鈥檚 someone who doesn鈥檛 want to threaten the egos at the top of the food chain so they get to participate.鈥 Houston said that in those days she didn鈥檛 want men to feel like they鈥檇 compromised their outdoor experience by inviting her along. Thirty years later, she laments the mindset. 鈥淭hat was me saying those words, making those choices, and not saying, 鈥楩uck you. I ski better than you,鈥欌夆 she said. 鈥淗ere I am at 61 and I鈥檓 like, What? How many diminishments are there in that one sentence?鈥

Houston鈥檚 comments remind me of the opportunities I now have in the outdoors鈥攐nes that previous generations of women may have lacked. Today, when I ski at Bridger Bowl, I鈥檓 usually joined by four or five girlfriends. We don鈥檛 think twice about bombing down slopes faster than the dudes. We don鈥檛 compete with each other when we鈥檙e skiing together, because we feel secure in our own abilities. I credit this to Houston and the other women who entered male-dominated outdoor spaces decades ago.

An early-morning tour up Goose Creek outside Bozeman
An early-morning tour up Goose Creek outside Bozeman (Photo: Cricket Klein)

Since publishing Cowboys, Houston has written six books and hundreds of essays鈥攎any of which have nothing to do with men. After it came out, she bought a ranch in Creede, Colorado, and then became something of a cowboy herself. Her 2019 memoir, Deep Creek: Finding Hope in the High Country, is also a favorite of mine; in it she recounts her struggles and ultimate success buying and maintaining her own land.

At one point in the book, Houston talks to two young women in the thick of dating. One asks Houston how she learned to retain her independence in relationships. Houston responds: 鈥淚 realized I could make my own life. I could have my own ranch. I finally realized I could be the cowboy.鈥 The scene reminded me of the times when I gave my power away to a partner. Times when I didn鈥檛 share my opinion for fear he wouldn鈥檛 like it. I was also reminded of the times I did voice an opinion and got a negative reaction.

After each breakup, I realized it didn鈥檛 really matter what I said or whether I voiced my feelings. Reading Houston helped the fog lift and reminded me that what I love most about myself has nothing to do with how men react to my opinions. I鈥檓 the cowboy I鈥檓 in love with.

Last spring I helped edit a new essay Houston wrote for 国产吃瓜黑料. At the time, I was still trying to get past my April breakup. Her piece, 鈥淩ide the Good Witches,鈥 reminded me of my own wildness and how much I cherish it, despite the persistent worry that maybe I鈥檓 not interesting or funny or smart enough. It鈥檚 about Icelandic horses, which Houston has been riding鈥攊n Iceland鈥攊n pursuit of physical and spiritual reawakening after a terrible struggle with long COVID. The horses reminded her of the freedom that still exists in us all.

My eyes watered when I read a few lines that described how she could never ask a rowdy mare to fully trust her, because that would mean giving away part of herself. 鈥淚 want her to trust me just enough so we can go fast together, but never so much that her dauntless spirit is true to anything but itself.鈥

While I鈥檓 not as fierce and steadfast as an Icelandic horse, I too have a dauntless spirit I can鈥檛 afford to lose鈥攁nd I鈥檓 sure a cowboy in a mountain town feels the same way. And sometimes women who pursue outdoor passions need reminding that we also deserve to cultivate our wildness. So fuck you, cowboy, I ski better than you.

Sometimes women who pursue outdoor passions need reminding that we also deserve to cultivate our wildness.

I first read Cowboys in 2019, just before my five-year college relationship came to an end. Back then the lessons I learned had little to do with men. Instead, the characters were living the life I wanted鈥攂ut at the time I had moved to New York City to be near my then boyfriend. I related to the tales of heartbreak, but also got upset that I wasn鈥檛 running Class V rapids or schlepping through grizzly territory. The book made me crave that freedom and wonder what it would feel like to be that wild.

I quit my New York job, landed at 国产吃瓜黑料, and moved to Colorado before relocating to New Mexico and finally Montana. These days I spend half my summer nights under big starry skies in the backcountry, and I spend winter days skiing with my girlfriends. I drink beer while floating down rivers alongside boys I have no romantic interest in. I make rash decisions with the little money I earn, like buying an expensive mountain bike that I ride down sketchy trails. At work I edit stories for a magazine and website, a job that has brought me the kind of professional joy I haven鈥檛 felt since I was a ski coach in high school. When I鈥檓 feeling inadequate, I go car camping alone, and I write about how I think love might be the way I feel when the dusk light makes a lake look splintered against a backdrop of evergreen trees, and that my life has become more than I could ever ask for.

Sometimes it takes a jolt like a breakup (or several) to crack open our hearts and remind us of the important truths. The cowboys I date are fundamentally the same as the ones from 30 years ago鈥攊t鈥檚 we women who鈥檝e changed. Turns out it鈥檚 no longer about the cowboys at all. Houston went through hell and back to realize this after Cowboys was published. And, once again, so have I.

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Ask A Skier: Are My On-Mountain Vibes a Smash or a Pass? /culture/love-humor/ask-a-skier-are-my-on-mountain-vibes-a-smash-or-a-pass/ Mon, 04 Dec 2023 13:00:06 +0000 /?p=2653303 Ask A Skier: Are My On-Mountain Vibes a Smash or a Pass?

That backpack speaker and unsolicited gear advice might be ruining your chances of snagging a wintertime honey.

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Ask A Skier: Are My On-Mountain Vibes a Smash or a Pass?

The flakes are falling, the lifts are spinning, and skiers and snowboarders are settling back into their routines鈥攁nd their slopeside habits, good and bad. As a skier who has spent winters while single at Bridger Bowl, Taos, Sugar Bowl, and beyond, I’ve learned that the ski hill is a pretty good place to find a date and a great place to decide if my latest crush is worth my time. You can learn a lot about a person based on how they behave on the mountain. If you’re scoping out potential honeys at the resort, you need to be on your best behavior. I’ve observed enough horrendous鈥攁nd charming鈥攕ki behavior to last a lifetime, so for the greater good of snow-oriented single folks, I’ve compiled some of my greatest hits鈥攁nd 鈥攊nto a helpful list.

I’ve organized them into two categories: smash and pass. An attribute or person that鈥檚 attractive is a 鈥渟mash;鈥 one that isn鈥檛, 鈥減ass.鈥 Think of it as turn-ons and turn-offs when it comes to on-hill etiquette, style, and overall vibes. I bring you: Smash or Pass: The Ski (or Snowboard) Edition.

Putting in the effort to decide together which runs to ski

(Photo: Ray J. Gadd)

It鈥檚 annoying to be dragged around the mountain by someone who doesn鈥檛 ask where you want to go, and it鈥檚 just as annoying to make all the decisions for a ski buddy who鈥檚 鈥渇ine with whatever.鈥 It might not seem like a big deal, but collaborative decision-making processes are hot.

Blasting a speaker on the lift

(Photo: Ray J. Gadd)

Nothing against music, I just want the option to not listen to yours.

Wearing a helmet听

(Photo: Ray J. Gadd)

What can I say, safety is sexy. Even more so if 测辞耻鈥檙别 wearing the goggles over, not under (don鈥檛 @ me).

Asking me to follow-cam you

(Photo: Ray J. Gadd)

Unless we’ve been dating for a very long time, asking me to follow behind you with my phone while you hit jumps is showing off听at best and condescending at worst. I don鈥檛 care how cool your cork 180 is, I鈥檓 not your videographer.

Wanting to lap the baby park

(Photo: Zoe Mayers)

I don鈥檛 want to film your cork 180, but I鈥檒l suck at my own 360 with you at the baby park any time of the day.

Gear-splaining

(Photo: Ray J. Gadd)

Gear-splaining is like mansplaining,听but about gear (people of all genders can do it). I’m a gear editor鈥攊t鈥檚 literally my job to talk about gear鈥攁nd even I know it鈥檚 not a good look to lecture people about their kit.

Taking French fry breaks

(Photo: Thomas Barwick)

Some days are for bell-to-bell skiing, others are for taking a few laps and then eating greasy resort food the rest of the day and hiding out from the rain (or cold, or crowds). If you’re not down to take a few breaks here and there鈥攑ass.

Rolling up to the resort parking lot with snowmobiles on their truck bed

(Photo: Cavan Images)

We get it, you sled.

Making sure the new skier or snowboarder isn’t left behind

(Photo: Olga Pankova)

Hanging back with the slower or new skier in the group so they don’t feel excluded (instead of bombing down the hill to show off in front of everyone)? That physically turns me on.

Ski resort and gear stickers absolutely covering their car

(Photo: Kelly Lacy)

One or two is fine, but covering your car with stickers from all your expensive gear and far-flung ski trips is a little braggy. To be honest, the car shown above is a slightly different vibe鈥攎ore kooky and charming. Could even be a smash. But swap those hippie stickers with ones from Arc’teryx and heli-skiing operations? Pass.

*Specifically for dudes: Hyping up the girl squad

(Photo: Ray J. Gadd)

You鈥檙e right, we are good skiers, and it鈥檚 so much more fun for everyone when, instead of being threatened, you genuinely want to hang.

Saying 鈥渘o friends on a powder day鈥 unironically

(Photo: Ray J. Gadd)

Honestly, even saying it ironically is kind of annoying.

Sharing lift snacks

(Photo: Zoe Mayers)

Bonus points if you help me finish my beer before the chair ride is done. Double bonus points if you have pocket bacon. Which is not to say I’ll eat anything you’ve stashed in your jacketstart pulling out carrots sticks and cold leftover garlic fries, and I’m out.

Heckling strangers from the chairlift

(Photo: Ray J. Gadd)

I love trolling my friends, but don鈥檛 be a dick to people you don鈥檛 know.

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Meet My Faster Half /running/news/meet-my-faster-half/ Thu, 18 May 2023 12:00:52 +0000 /?p=2631334 Meet My Faster Half

Come meet the partners of elite women runners and get a glimpse into how they support their faster halves

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Meet My Faster Half

It was two days before the Boston Marathon, and Emma Bates was completely freaking out. At a press conference the day before she told the whole world she was a contender to win and planned to stay with the lead pack.

Then the pressure of her announcement started getting to her.

鈥淎ll of that pressure and all of the chaos that was going around me all just weighed in on me and then I just started crying and I had a breakdown of just pressure and stress,鈥 she says.

Luckily, she had someone with her to help: her boyfriend Steve Finley.

鈥淚 just let it all out and he just held me until I was able to get all of my tears out,鈥 says Bates, 30. 鈥淎nd it was like 20 minutes of just full on shaking and crying and feeling out of control. And after that 20 minutes I felt fine. So it was just kind of like a release of emotions.鈥

She said she needed to get those emotions out of the way to focus and be relaxed and confident. Clearly it worked. Bates finished first among Americans, fifth overall in a new personal best of 2:22:10 and led the pack for several miles late in the race

And, it seemed, her boyfriend knew exactly how to help, despite the fact that he鈥檚 not a professional runner himself. In the running world, there are many famous elite running couples, from Adam and Kara Goucher to Sara and Ryan Hall. There are also relationships between runners and coaches, such as Brent and Sara Vaughn and Emma Coburn and Joe Bosshard.

Then there are runners like Bates. Her boyfriend is a runner鈥揾e founded the Brooklyn Track Club, works for Bandit Running and used to run professionally鈥揵ut is no longer an elite competitor, and is not connected directly to Bates鈥檚 running career in any way.

She says that鈥檚 the perfect balance.

鈥淗e knows the pressures that I’m under and just how much I care about it, and so he’s just really good about being there and knowing exactly what I need at each moment and each phase of the days leading up, or weeks leading up, or hours leading up even to a race,鈥 she says. 鈥淗e’s also a coach, but he doesn’t coach me in any way. We don’t really talk about running any other time. It’s just more like just checking in, making sure I’m OK. He treats me like just a person. He doesn’t treat me like a runner or an athlete or anything like that. It’s just making sure that I’m supported in the way that I need to be.鈥

But, the fact that Finley is a runner means he still understands the way Bates needs to conduct her day to day, from nutrition to sleep to her mental state.

鈥淚t’s hard being friends or making friends or having relationships later in life just because people have their routines and their careers and they want to go out on weekends and that’s how people meet nowadays at our age, in our 30s,鈥 she says. 鈥淎nd I can’t do that all the time. I’m not going to go out when I’m in full running mode. And so that’s really nice just to have somebody that understands I can’t do certain things because of my career.鈥

She and Finley met, coincidentally, at a bar, but at a bar during the 2016 U.S. Olympic Trials. It was at the Wild Duck Cafe in Eugene, Oregon.

鈥淚 didn’t know that Steve was a runner in any way, I just thought he was like a townie in Eugene, like just somebody random,鈥 Bates says. 鈥淎nd so we had such a great connection there, but didn’t talk for years and ended up meeting back up again at the 2021 Trials at the Wild Duck.鈥

They鈥檝e now been dating for a year, and Bates says Finley helps her stay calm before a race. On Saturday and Sunday before the Boston Marathon, he picked up food for her so she didn鈥檛 have to brave the crowds and hung out with her in the hotel room while she watched one of her favorite movies, Lord of the Rings.

RELATED: The Secrets to Dating a Non-Runner

 

 

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Having a Non-Running Partner

Other runners end up in relationships with people who have never been in the running world. That includes 2016 U.S. Olympian Kate Grace, who is married to Patrick O’Neil and has a two-month-old baby with him.

O鈥橬eil worked in sales for Picky Bars, the company started by Oiselle-sponsored runner Lauren Fleshman and Hoka NAZ Elite runner Steph Bruce. Grace met O鈥橬eil back in 2013 at a New Year鈥檚 Eve party when she was sponsored by Oiselle. But Grace says O鈥橬eil doesn鈥檛 run much at all.

鈥淗e goes through bouts of running for exercise, but he鈥檚 not even an intense recreational runner,鈥 says Grace, 34, who lives in Boulder.

O鈥橬eil was a high-level collegiate swimmer, another individual competitive sport, so Grace says he understands her career and the mindset that comes with it.

鈥淔or someone who’s not a runner, he’s been a very supportive partner almost because of his swimming background,鈥 she says.

 

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Grace says she and other elite runner friends Emily Infeld and Cory McGee also have husbands with backgrounds in college swimming and joke about it.

鈥淲e all say that if you’re not going to have a runner, you may as well have someone who works now but has had that background because they totally get the single-minded, individual sport focus and are very supportive of it, even though now they’re in business and don’t do anything with the sport,鈥 she says. 鈥淭he whole thing about the four-year cycle is very similar. Sometimes when you’re dating, people who just are so removed from this life sometimes don’t understand the amount of time it takes because you just think like, 鈥極h, they should just go for a run and be done.鈥 It was very helpful for me that even though he was not a professional athlete or a runner, he understands just what it means to be a high level athlete in a sport like this.鈥

Grace and O鈥橬eil started dating in 2015 and then less than a year later moved to Sacramento together so Grace could train for the 2016 U.S. Olympic Trials. She won the 800-meter finals and earned the chance to compete in the Rio de Janeiro Olympics.

鈥淭here was a positive feedback loop because I ended up making the team and doing well (in the Rio Olympics) and being top American, and it was just pretty obvious from the start that we were able to support each other and good things came when we did that,鈥 she says.

The couple is aligned on nutrition鈥揋race does the grocery shopping and O鈥橬eil joins her in her carb- and protein-balanced meals. The bigger difference, she says, is in drinking and going out.

鈥淚 would say he’s had to make sacrifices in order to be my partner. He wouldn’t call them sacrifices, or maybe he would, but there’s a certain lifestyle that comes with it, since I’ve been a pro runner for my whole adult life,鈥 she says. 鈥淲hereas my friends go frequently out to happy hours, I am at home. Initially, I would judge him for casual drinking, but I realized it’s actually me that was the unique one.鈥

Grace says O鈥橬eil is also her support person during races and competitions, running around to get her coffee and food.

鈥淭here are so many rounds during our championships, so it was always a big thing for me to make sure I ate quickly after prelim, so he would have whatever rice bowl ready for me,鈥 she says. 鈥淪tuff like that, where it’s very helpful, but non glamorous stuff. That has been great.鈥

搁贰尝础罢贰顿:听

A Long-distance Partner

Erika Kemp, who set a record for the fastest American-born Black woman at the Boston Marathon (2:33:57) and had the best marathon debut by an American woman in Boston, says her boyfriend Myles Dungan, a Captain in the U.S. Army, isn鈥檛 always able to be with her for big races like Boston because he鈥檚 stationed in Germany. After Kemp finished the marathon, she went to visit Duggan in Germany for two weeks, and trained while she was there.

鈥淗e’s very respectful and supportive, whereas in previous relationships I had, they treated my running as if it was more of a hobby, which is hurtful when it’s your full-time job,鈥 says Kemp, 28, who lives in Boston. 鈥淵ou structure your entire day around your workouts, which can seem silly to some people, but having that understanding, having them also make it a priority.鈥

She says even when she鈥檚 in Germany, Duggan was looking for places for her to run.

鈥淲e want to do day trips, see some things and hang out with friends, but he’s always making sure that there is timing and space for me to do the work I need to do,鈥 she says.

Kemp met Duggan in high school鈥搃n freshman year Spanish class鈥揳nd they dated throughout high school but then broke up junior year of college. Then in 2021, Kemp saw a TikTok video of Duggan jumping out of an airplane as a paratrooper. She reached out to him, they reconnected, and have been dating ever since.

 

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Duggan doesn鈥檛 run much, and Kemp says in high school they had trouble on a run together.

鈥淪enior year he tore his ACL and was cleared to run, maybe two months before we went to college, but I needed to do my summer training, so I begged him to come with me, but he was a few months post-op, so he was so out of shape, and still struggling to walk, and I wasn’t very nice to him on that run,鈥 she says. 鈥淪o that was the one and only time we ever truly ran together because I couldn’t understand why he was so bad at it, but he was like, 鈥業 just got cleared from surgery last week, give me a break.鈥欌

Now he runs once or twice a week, and they鈥檒l occasionally run together if Kemp finds a nice trail. She says she鈥檚 eager for him to get a bike to go with her on runs, and he鈥檚 considering it.

Unlike other relationships, Kemp says Dugan has no problem with her being faster than him鈥搕hough he insists he could beat her in a short distance sprint.

鈥淗e knows his limits, but he is so convinced that he can beat me in any distance under 400, which, potentially, but I run so much more than him, and so I don’t buy it,鈥 she says.

Sounds like she needs to challenge her boyfriend to a race.

RELATED: So I’m Dating An Ultrarunner

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I Love the Outdoors, but My Husband鈥檚 a Screen Guy /culture/love-humor/outdoors-husband-screen-time/ Mon, 08 Aug 2022 10:30:40 +0000 /?p=2593427 I Love the Outdoors, but My Husband鈥檚 a Screen Guy

Is one person鈥檚 way of having fun inherently better?

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I Love the Outdoors, but My Husband鈥檚 a Screen Guy

Welcome to Tough Love. We鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of . Have a question of your own? Write to us at听toughlove@outsideinc.com.


I love nature and sports and my husband is, how do I say it, more of a screen guy. He likes watching and re-watching shows and gaming, and he does so for several hours most days of the week. He contributes equally to finances and chores, so there isn鈥檛 a problem with his household contribution, but I can鈥檛 help feeling that he鈥檚 wasting his life away when he鈥檚 young and healthy and he鈥檒l someday regret it. I also feel like being outdoors is inherently good and he does so little of it. Is there a nice way for me to say something without being a nag?

When I was a kid, my dad was very concerned with me being productive. He had a mental list of productive activities (reading, art, schoolwork, socializing with friends, any sort of sport, and so on) and non-productive activities (鈥測ou鈥檒l know,鈥 he told me), and though I wasn鈥檛 forbidden from doing the latter, I could usually sense his unease until I switched to something from the first list. Eventually I hacked the system, because I realized that the activity he thought was most productive鈥攁bove all else鈥攚as thinking. When I heard his footprints coming down the hall, I鈥檇 hide the catalog I was flipping through (or whatever else 鈥渦nproductive鈥 task I was engaged in) and simply sit on the floor with my hands in my lap, doing nothing. Then, when he asked what I was doing, I鈥檇 say I was thinking. Thinking! He was immediately excited. Did I need anything?, he鈥檇 ask. A glass of water? And when I shook my head, sagely, he would scurry away鈥攍oathe to keep interrupting鈥攁nd I鈥檇 have a few solid hours of time to amuse myself in peace.

As an adult, I鈥檝e often reflected on this expectation of productivity, which was one of my defining experiences of childhood (and which has since become an ongoing joke with my dad). Overall, I think it served me well, with a few big caveats鈥攏amely that when I鈥檓 sick and can鈥檛 do things, I feel terrible about myself, which is not super conducive to either recovery or self-esteem. And while my father鈥檚 broad definition of productivity would certainly include resting when you need it, I鈥檝e found it helpful to come up with my own personal guideline for activities鈥攁 little check-in, if you will. I ask myself: Is this activity productive, or restful, or fun? If yes to any of those, I keep at it. If no, I might start thinking about changing course sooner rather than later. (Incidentally, most of the things I choose to do fall into one of those three categories鈥攁nd the ones that don鈥檛, like doomscrolling on my phone, tend to make me feel actively bad if I do them for too long. So the check-in is a good reminder to put down the phone and go for a walk or call a friend instead.)

I suspect you see where I鈥檓 going with this. Is your husband experiencing his television and gaming time as fun? If so, then it鈥檚 a positive thing in his life! It might be different from your idea of fun, but one person鈥檚 fun isn鈥檛 better or worse than someone else鈥檚; it鈥檚 just a matter of taste. The only change needed here is for you to do some reflection about why your husband鈥檚 recreational activities bother you so much, and how you can learn to relax and let go about it, both for your sake and his鈥擨 think you鈥檒l both be a lot happier. (And for what it鈥檚 worth, when I mentioned your question to my dad, he said “Studies have shown that video games have a number of tangible benefits!鈥 So there you go: even Mr. Productivity gives your husband the stamp of approval.)

If your husband isn鈥檛 experiencing the television or games as fun, then I鈥檇 be slightly concerned. Not because there鈥檚 something wrong with what he鈥檚 doing, but because he might be using it to cope with something else, like depression or burnout. In that case, the shows and games might still be helping him, because sometimes the best thing you can do for your health is literally anything that helps you get through a hard day, week, or year. But if his habits have changed recently, or you notice other ways that he鈥檚 struggling, it鈥檚 worth checking in on how he鈥檚 feeling, and asking if there鈥檚 any way you can support him in getting help.

Now, I want to address the last thing you said, about the outdoors being inherently good. That鈥檚 something I agree with strongly. I think just about anyone could benefit from a greater connection with fresh air and nature鈥攂ut I don鈥檛 presume to suppose what that connection should look like.

Instead, I think of the benefits of nature as being similar to the benefits of, say, music. A connection to music can enrich just about anyone鈥檚 life, but the details of that connection itself are highly individual. Some people play an instrument鈥攁nd of those, some love drums and others love viola. Some people sing for a living, and others sing only in the shower, or when something good comes on the radio. Some people listen to metal and others like folk. But regardless of what someone鈥檚 connection to music looks like, it鈥檚 almost always a force for good in their lives, in part听because听it鈥檚 so personal.

That鈥檚 like nature. There鈥檚 no one relationship to it that鈥檚 right. You may have an intense and active connection to the outdoors, and your husband鈥檚 may be far subtler鈥攎aybe he grows succulents, or loves cats, or enjoys thunderstorms, or looks up throughout the day to smile at hummingbirds through the window. If you want to nourish his connection to nature and the outdoors, it鈥檚 worth figuring out what that interest actually is鈥攚hat he thrives on鈥攁nd doing what you can to support it (get a new hummingbird feeder!). It may look incredibly different than yours, but that doesn鈥檛 mean it鈥檚 worse. It鈥檚 his, and for that reason alone, it鈥檚 perfect.

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How We Find Love in Wild Places /podcast/love-stories-podcast/ Wed, 08 Jun 2022 13:00:49 +0000 /?post_type=podcast&p=2585594 How We Find Love in Wild Places

Is there something about adventure and risk that opens our hearts? Absolutely.

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How We Find Love in Wild Places

Is there something about adventure and risk that opens our hearts? Absolutely. In this episode, created in concert with an 国产吃瓜黑料听, we bring you tales of romances that bloomed outdoors. You鈥檒l hear about two ultrarunners who fell for each other during a 60-mile dash through the Alps, a high-altitude climber who led her wary date down iced-over ski runs (it all worked out eventually), a pair of whitewater kayakers whose attraction for one other caused them to ignore an approaching forest fire, and a cyclist who suffered a brutal accident that led him back to his soulmate.


This episode is brought to you by Aruba, an island in the Caribbean that offers so much more than a vacation. Learn more about what awaits you at this very special destination at .

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The 13 Outdoorsy Types You鈥檒l Find on Dating Apps /culture/love-humor/outdoors-types-match-meet-dating-apps/ Tue, 26 Oct 2021 10:30:53 +0000 /?p=2530911 The 13 Outdoorsy Types You鈥檒l Find on Dating Apps

Your field guide to swiping for a soulmate

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The 13 Outdoorsy Types You鈥檒l Find on Dating Apps

Looking for love online can be challenging whether your dating pool is Manhattan or Missoula. Even if you match with someone attractive who checks your boxes, there鈥檚 no guarantee you鈥檒l get past the pen-pal stage and meet up IRLor that you鈥檒l be compatible if you do.

Things get even more interesting when 测辞耻鈥檙别 trying to find someone who shares your passion for 5 A.M. dawn patrols and multi-day sufferfests. In general, people try to present what one study called an 鈥溾 on dating apps鈥攊n other words, a version of you that is honest, but extra shiny. When you start scrolling through hundreds of users who are all curating like hell to represent their best outdoorsy selves, patterns inevitably emerge. Some make sense: the fourteener summit pic is the Denver equivalent of the standard car selfie. Others are genuinely curious: what鈥檚 up with all the photos of the women in front of ?

We consulted a group of veteran swipers to help us identify some of the most common outdoorsy types on dating apps. Our panel of experts includes a vanlifer who dates on the road, a founder of a dating app, and several regular people just trying to find love in cities like Seattle and Chattanooga and mountain towns like Silverton and Truckee. Our panelists use apps including Bumble, Tinder, Hinge, Meet Mindful, Scruff, Grindr, and Lex.

ISO that special adventure partner? Here are the characters鈥攁nd caricatures鈥敳獯浅茆檙别 likely to encounter.

The Yogi

The type: Photographed performing dancer pose at Machu Picchu, an inversion on a paddleboard, or a heart opener in front of a glowing alpine sunrise. Probably doesn鈥檛 eat meat. Loves a good hot- flow class! Swipe right if: 测辞耻鈥檙别 also living mindfully and in the moment.

From the panel: 鈥淚 definitely feel like there鈥檚 a yoga type. [scrolling] Oh yeah, see鈥攖he yoga on the stand-up paddleboard. They definitely mark听鈥榮piritual鈥 for their religion. [scrolls more] Oh wow, this chick鈥檚 actually kinda cute. [swipes right]鈥

The Transplant

The type: This person just moved to your town and wants you to 鈥淪how me around! Take me on your favorite adventures!鈥 Looking for: 鈥渇riends, activity buddies, dates!鈥 Literally anyone!

From the panel: 鈥淭hey just want a tour guide. They鈥檒l dump you in six months once they know how to drive to all the trailheads.鈥

The Fish Guy/Gal

The type: Guy holding a fish he just caught. He generally falls into one of two subcategories: the guy holding a really tiny fish from that one time he tried it (he鈥檚 open to new experiences!); and the serious fly-fisher who might be on the river in every single photo. High likelihood he鈥檚 also wearing polarized shades and a trucker hat throughout the entire collection, leaving you wondering what he actually looks like.

From the panel: 鈥淩esearch found that on our dating app鈥攁nd this was especially true for guys鈥攈aving a soft cuddly creature in your photo correlated with a higher percentage of being liked. Guys who had photos of their Saint Bernard on their hikes did better. But having a fish in your profile didn鈥檛. It seemed to be furry animals, and furry animals that you hadn鈥檛 just killed.鈥

The Pit Viper Bro/Bra

The type: These specimens wear Pit Vipers, catch air, and shotgun beers in their photos, often all at the same time. Profile says: 鈥淟ooking for someone who can keep up鈥 or 鈥淢ust be able to hang.鈥 If it鈥檚 a guy, he has a handlebar mustache. If it鈥檚 a woman, she鈥檚 wearing jorts and/or a crop top.

From the panel: 鈥淭hey鈥檙e definitely not looking for a serious relationship.鈥

The Person Who鈥檚 Already in a Relationship with Their Dog

The type: There are dog people and then there are…these people. Here she is in the car with her dog in her lap. Here he is hiking with his dog. Here鈥檚 a photo of her SUPing with a dog onboard wearing a cute PFD that makes the dog look like a shark. Oh, here鈥檚 a photo of just the dog.

From the panel: 鈥淭here鈥檚 definitely a 鈥榙og dad鈥 or 鈥榙og mom.鈥 It鈥檚 a package deal: 鈥業t鈥檚 not just me, it鈥檚 me and my dog, and that鈥檚 very important to me.鈥欌

鈥淚 love dogs, but I don鈥檛 really want to date some dog you got with your ex.鈥

The Hardcore Athlete

The type: This person is up-front about what he or she is looking for. 鈥淚 like to run so I hope you do too.鈥 鈥淚 like to climb so I hope you do too.鈥 The main profile photo is likely to include Lycra, a helmet, or a harness. A variation of this type is the Endurance Athlete: she is currently training for an Ironman or a marathon. His profile picture is a race photo that may include the line 鈥淓arly to bed, early to shred.鈥

From the panel: 鈥淚 feel like there are people where their outdoor sports are their entire personality. There was one guy on Hinge and every single prompt was about climbing. Ask me about: climbing. My deal breakers are: people who don鈥檛 climb. What I want to do with my life: climb. I matched with him, and I was like, 鈥業t seems like 测辞耻鈥檙别 really into climbing.鈥 And he was like, 鈥榊ep.鈥 And after that I was like, 鈥榃hat do we talk about now?鈥 And I鈥檓 a climber!鈥

The River Rat

The type: Lives in her vehicle (which is a Subaru, duh) and may have multicolored hair. Includes at least one photo of her surfing a wave and also a selfie in her PFD, smiling at the takeout. She just got the hottest old-school boat鈥攁 Siren or an Ace.

From the panel: 鈥淗er favorite thing to do on a weekend is a doubleheader on the Middle Ocoee. She might also mention when her last Grand Canyon trip was.鈥

The Mountain-Man Thirst Trap

The type: One gay panelist identified this sporty, alpine variation on the bare-chested urban bachelor often seen on apps like Grindr and Scruff. This type is identifiable by his shiny six-pack abs and perfectly manscaped pecs, which he enthusiastically flaunts in front of wild, dramatic landscapes.

From the panel: 鈥淭here are still a lot of shirtless photos. But he鈥檚 showcasing more of his activities. There鈥檚 a photo of him SUPing, a shirtless photo of him in a desert somewhere.鈥

The 国产吃瓜黑料 Girl

The type: This person is identifiable primarily by her unbridled enthusiasm: 鈥淟et鈥檚 go on an adventure!鈥 Or maybe she orders her adventure the way she orders her latte: 鈥湽怨虾诹, please.鈥 What kind of adventure, you might ask: Alpine boondoggle? Forty-eight-hour trip to Cabo? Unclear. But she loves it!

From the panel: 鈥淭his guy was telling me all the women he sees online all have the word 鈥榓dventure鈥 in their profile鈥攁nd I was like, Shit, I have that in my profile. But it鈥檚 such a good word!鈥

The Hustler

The type: He鈥檚 a musician, a sushi chef, an endurance athlete, an entrepreneur, and a world traveler. He鈥檚 attractive and has a lot of interesting photos, like that one where he鈥檚 doing tricks on his snowboard. Frankly, he鈥檚 a little intimidating. He may or may not respond, since he鈥檚 just using the app as a Plan B鈥攈e doesn鈥檛 really have any problem meeting people IRL.

From the panel: 鈥淓verything is go, go, go. The profile is like, Come along on my journey. I messaged with a guy like this and he told me, 鈥業 might not return your texts when you need me to, because I鈥檓 off the grid really unplugging all the time.鈥欌

The Peak Bagger

The type: Easily identified by the cardboard summit sign in their profile photo: 鈥淢ount Elbert: 14,440 feet.鈥 May casually mention that they鈥檝e summited Kilimanjaro or are working on their .听鈥淢ust love: early-morning wake-ups.鈥 鈥淲e won鈥檛 get along if: you like to stay up late.鈥 The Pacific Northwest variation on this type is known as The Waterfall Chaser.

From the panel: 鈥淚n Denver, every guy has a cardboard fourteener sign in his profile photo. It鈥檚 like the outdoorsy equivalent of going to brunch.鈥

The Influencer

The type: No selfies here: the influencer only has professional-quality photos. He clearly pals around with photographers, because every image is beautiful and glowy. High likelihood of a handsome, close-up laughing shot. Wants to know what it is you plan to do with your one wild and precious life. Definitely works in the outdoor industry.

From the panel: 鈥淎ll of their pictures are way prettier than all your pictures. They probably have ten photos or more. This is the opposite of the single-gym-selfie person.鈥

The Reluctant Outdoorsperson

The type: Posts one outdoorsy photo of himself鈥攑robably hiking鈥攂ecause he lives in a mountain town and doesn鈥檛 want to be excluded from the dating pool. Will tolerate the outdoors and can go on a hike but would really rather not.

From the panel: 鈥淚鈥檝e seen women who will actually just say, 鈥業鈥檓 not outdoorsy, and I don鈥檛 want to go for a hike. Ask me on a real date.鈥 I kind of respect that, actually.鈥

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So Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Want You to Backpack Solo /culture/love-humor/boyfriend-friend-respect-decisions/ Sat, 08 May 2021 00:00:00 +0000 /uncategorized/boyfriend-friend-respect-decisions/ So Your Boyfriend Doesn't Want You to Backpack Solo

What to do when a significant other, or a friend, doesn't respect your decisions

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So Your Boyfriend Doesn't Want You to Backpack Solo

Welcome to听Tough Love. We鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is听Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of听. Have a question of your own? Write to us at听toughlove@outsideim.com.


I鈥檓 planning a long backpacking trip for this summer (around 300 miles). It鈥檚 my first solo trip of that length and I have been planning it for about a year. I also started dating a guy this spring and so far everything has been great. I thought he was supportive of my trip, but he broke down the other day and told me that he鈥檚 uncomfortable with it. He says it鈥檚 hard for him to watch because he鈥檚 never done a trip like that himself, and it makes him feel like, as his girlfriend, I鈥檓 trying to 鈥渙ne-up鈥 him. I feel grateful he told me, but I鈥檓 not sure what to do because I can also feel his tension now while I鈥檓 planning. He knows that what he feels isn鈥檛 right, and he says it鈥檚 good practice for him to work through it, but I鈥檓 not sure how to support him and myself at the same time.

There鈥檚 a lot that could be said about the pressures of masculinity, the weight that those expectations put on men, and the constant work of negotiating and unlearning sexism. But acknowledging those pressures doesn鈥檛 mean your boyfriend is fighting them. In fact, simply acknowledging problems can be a way of trying to get credit without taking hard steps to fix them. And even if he鈥檚 trying to change, which I鈥檓 not convinced of, you don鈥檛 have to support him through that journey at the same time as he鈥檚 undermining yours. After a few months, people are generally still on their best behavior鈥攚hich means I鈥檇 hate to see this guy鈥檚 worst. Break up now and you鈥檒l have a whole lot less psychic weight to carry in your pack.

My friend posts everything on social media, seriously everything. Whatever we do, she posts pictures of it, and if something doesn鈥檛 go right or she has an argument with her boyfriend, she posts vague passive-aggressive updates to get people to ask what鈥檚 wrong. She is also regularly getting into online feuds and tells me all about them. I have asked her clearly not to post about me when we do things together, because I am a more private person and I would prefer if she didn鈥檛, but she still does about half the time. I confronted her and she said, 鈥淚f you don鈥檛 like it, tell me and I鈥檒l take it down,鈥 but I don鈥檛 want to have to do that after things have already been up. She has said before that if someone has nothing to hide, then they shouldn鈥檛 mind being posted about, and if someone wrongs her then they deserve to be shamed. I love her but find myself pulling back from her because I feel like everything she does is for show.

At this point in the evolution of the Internet, it鈥檚 basic etiquette when posting things on social media听to ask permission from the other people involved. Posting a photo of your friend? Run it by her and make sure she feels good about it. Tagging other people at a private location? Check to see if they have any objections. People鈥檚听comfort levels vary a lot, and when it comes to broadcasting information about them to the world, it鈥檚 polite to avoid听assumptions. Plus, not everyone鈥檚 preferences are intuitive. For instance, as someone with a larger audience on Twitter, I tend to post updates with a slight delay, because I鈥檓 not comfortable with people knowing my location in real time (especially when I鈥檓 out in the woods). The need for those boundaries is aggravated with a more public account, but I tend to think that with the internet, erring on the side of caution is a useful practice for anyone.听

You can鈥檛 control what your friend posts about herself on social media, nor should you try; that鈥檚 completely her business. But she should respect your business and your privacy, too鈥攁nd if she repeatedly disrespects your requests, even after you鈥檝e communicated them clearly, it鈥檚 a red flag. Unfortunately, you have to assume at this point that she鈥檚 not going to stop posting about you. So you have to decide, essentially, if her friendship is worth those violations, however big or small they may be. If you stay close with her, you will be posted about鈥攎aybe that's livable, but it could also feel gross if you鈥檝e explicitly asked her not to. If 测辞耻鈥檙别 still uncomfortable with that, then it might be time to distance yourself and invest your emotional energyin听people who are truly respectful of your wishes. I鈥檇 recommend distancing yourself slowly and non-dramatically, though, rather than having听a big confrontation about it鈥攗nless you want your confrontation to become internet fodder, too.

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The Case for Dressing Your Dog in Goofy Outfits /culture/love-humor/dressing-dog-funny-outfits/ Sun, 11 Apr 2021 00:00:00 +0000 /uncategorized/dressing-dog-funny-outfits/ The Case for Dressing Your Dog in Goofy Outfits

It might seem embarrassing at first, but putting a costume on your dog will likely result in more pets for him and more laughs for you

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The Case for Dressing Your Dog in Goofy Outfits

Welcome to听Tough Love. We鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is听Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of听. Have a question of your own? Write to us at听toughlove@outsideim.com.


Any advice for someone whose partner is really into dressing and accessorizing the dog? It seems undignified, because the dog doesn鈥檛 know any better. He hardly goes anywhere without an outfit anymore, even for walks or drives. Is there a gentle way to ask her to ease up on the dog clothes?

One of the great things about dogs is that they don鈥檛 care about the same things people do. They literally eat each other鈥檚 poop. They roll in carcasses. They hump the furniture in front of guests. There are a lot of things dogs care about鈥攁ttention, love, exercise, comfort鈥攂ut dignity isn鈥檛 one of them. In fact, if a dog goes for a walk in a T-shirt, and that makes more people stop to pet him, he probably loves it. He doesn鈥檛 know that his shirt says BUTT SNIFFER. He鈥檚 just glad for the attention.

Obviously if a dog dislikes wearing clothes, or if certain garments are uncomfortable, that鈥檚 an important reason not to wear them. And there are appropriate times for different dog outfits, just like there are appropriate times for different human outfits. There鈥檚 an inherent goofiness to dog clothing that could seem disrespectful at solemn events, for instance, or professional workplaces. But most of those places don鈥檛 welcome dogs anyway, and if your dog wears a bow tie to a dog-friendly wedding, there are few people who will think less of you. They鈥檒l probably get a kick out of it. At most, they鈥檒l think that you and your partner are really into your dog, and there are far worse reputations.

If it really bothers you for the dog to wear outfits constantly, you could try a strategy straight from dog-training manuals and focus on putting your partner鈥檚 behavior on cue. That is, work with her to develop a time and place for dog costumes, and be sure 测辞耻鈥檙别 celebrating and rewarding them at those times. She could set up an Instagram account and post weekly dog outfits, or come up with festive costumes for seasonal events. If your partner is focused on dressing the dog for specific purposes鈥攁nd if she feels your full support in doing so鈥攕he might not care as much about dressing the dog every single day.

If 测辞耻鈥檙别 worried that people will think that 测辞耻鈥檙别 the one dressing the dog鈥攊f that doesn鈥檛 vibe with your personality or whatever鈥攜ou can make clear around other people that it鈥檚 your partner鈥檚 thing: 鈥淟et鈥檚 see the outfit Hannah came up with today!鈥

But if you do that, it has to be earnest, not disdainful or passive-aggressive. You should regard your partner鈥檚 enthusiasms with your own delight, and make sure other people can tell that 测辞耻鈥檙别 proud of her.

After all, we鈥檙e all looking for our little joys, and your partner found one that she and the dog both enjoy. If it鈥檚 not hurting anyone, and it makes your loved ones happy, then it鈥檚 worth learning to embrace.

I don鈥檛 know how else to say this, but my boyfriend of six months growls in bed. I think it started from an inside joke about bears, but I鈥檓听not even sure anymore. The first time it took me by surprise,听so I burst out laughing. But ever since then, he continued to growl occasionally while we鈥檙e听in bed together. It is maybe once a week or so. I think he thinks it鈥檚 funny and sexy, and I don鈥檛 know how to tell him that it鈥檚 not very sexy at all.

Part of having fun in bed together is being able to goof around, and trusting your partner to be honest about what they like or don鈥檛 like. It鈥檚 not that you both have to love everything you try; it鈥檚 that 测辞耻鈥檙别 always communicating, and that you can experiment and have fun in ways that are safe and comfortable for everyone. It鈥檚 basically a space of play.

So unless your boyfriend is uncommonly secure, it will sting to hear that you鈥檝e been turned off by one of his moves this whole time. It could open up a whole box of other insecurities: What else have you been thinking in bed, but not saying? How can he know that when you say you like something, you really do? In this case, your best course of action may come down to how much you dislike the growling. If it鈥檚 actively stressing you out, then it鈥檚 definitely worth having a conversation (out of bed) and explaining the situation. But if you just find it silly, it might not be worth a confrontation.

That鈥檚 not to say you should live with the growling forever. But unless growling is your boyfriend鈥檚 particular kink (and if it is, it鈥檚 a fairly innocuous one), it鈥檚 probably something he鈥檚 doing to make you laugh, because you laughed the first time and that made him happy and he wants to keep being happy together. In that case, try to focus more on communicating what you really do like. Tell him (or show him) when he does things you think are hot or sweet or funny. Be explicit in your praise. My hunch is that if he鈥檚 being rewarded for other moves, those other moves will start taking over pretty fast. And when 测辞耻鈥檙别 communicating well, and having that much fun together, you might not even mind the occasional goofy grr.

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How to Manage Exercise Envy /culture/love-humor/how-manage-exercise-envy/ Mon, 15 Mar 2021 00:00:00 +0000 /uncategorized/how-manage-exercise-envy/ How to Manage Exercise Envy

Urge your loved one to talk to a therapist, embrace new activities, and examine your own feelings, too

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How to Manage Exercise Envy

Welcome to听Tough Love. We鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is听Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of听. Have a question of your own? Write to us at听toughlove@outsideim.com.


I met my partner on a dating site about two years ago and we clicked because of our common love for triathlon. The start of lockdown was great. With few other distractions, we could run and cycle to our hearts鈥 content, and we did.

However, nine months ago she injured her knee, and that injury has become chronic. She鈥檚 tried everything from physio to steroid and botox injections but her injury isn鈥檛 getting better. She has become depressed and resents me exercising. I have exercised less and resent my lost fitness.

We鈥檝e talked about it a lot, and although she says she doesn鈥檛 mind me exercising, she clearly does. I want her to seek help for depression but don鈥檛 know how to sensitively bring this up.

We moved in together during lockdown and she is keen to buy something together. I鈥檓 concerned this relationship is falling apart and I鈥檓 not ready to commit. I keep trying to see a way forward but I think we might both be better off without the relationship. Can you shine any light on the matter?

Since running and triathlon are out of my wheelhouse, I reached out to听, an ultramarathoner, for her advice. Her heart goes out to what your partner is going through.

鈥淔or people who do long endurance events, I think a lot of us share the idea that pushing our limits is a really meaningful way to find joy in life,鈥 she says. 鈥淟ike the BIG kind of joy. It feels good physically doing it, but there鈥檚 the bigger notion of molding ourselves鈥攎entally and physically鈥攖o reach things we couldn鈥檛 without the work. I liken the work of training to something like a religion, because there鈥檚 something very spiritual about it. There鈥檚 suffering and transcendence and sacrifice. It鈥檚 not the same, but there are elements there. And when that gets taken from you, it can be devastating. I have had injuries like that鈥擨 couldn鈥檛 run for three or four years because of a gruesome injury and strings of surgeries and recovery. It was awful.鈥

She recommends that your partner see a sports psychologist, who will be able to treat her depression and speak to her emotional needs as an athlete. Depression isn鈥檛 a weakness or a character flaw, so 测辞耻鈥檙别 not insulting your partner by bringing up this suggestion. That said, if you haven鈥檛 spoken much about mental health together, she may feel self-conscious during the conversation. So your best bet is to be kind but direct, and to make sure 测辞耻鈥檙别 speaking from a place of love rather than one of frustration. You can say that you鈥檝e seen how much she鈥檚 suffering, and you wonder if it might be helpful for her to talk to a doctor about what she鈥檚 going through. If she鈥檚 open to it, you should offer to help her make an appointment, as that can be a daunting first step for someone who鈥檚 struggling.

Then there鈥檚 the issue of your partner resenting your exercise, or the fact that you feel she does. It鈥檚 hard for me to gauge how this dynamic plays out. If she truly wants you to miss out on the things you love most, that reflects a far deeper problem. But I suspect that, if 测辞耻鈥檙别 correct in sensing that听she鈥檚 unhappy about your exercising, it鈥檚 not because she wishes you weren鈥檛 doing it; it鈥檚 because she wishes she could, too. Jen adds, 鈥淚f missing time together听is part of her resentment, it鈥檚 worth thinking about how you can adapt, too. Can you do overnight workouts? Or split them between early morning and late evening, to allow more time with her.鈥

She also points out that if your partner鈥檚 injury is her knee, 鈥渢here鈥檚 plenty of stuff she can do that allows her to work toward challenging goals, compete, and train. She could shift to long distance swimming (if that works), or rowing/kayaking may allow her to eventually regain her workouts. And from my experience, even years of struggle may resolve with good physical therapy and medical support. A year seems like a long time, but lots of injuries take longer. That means hope for her still.鈥

If you and your partner are both committed, and put in the emotional effort, I think you could work through this. A tough period, especially during a pandemic, doesn鈥檛 mean that things will always be tough. And even if your relationship looks different than it did a year ago, it could still be healthy and positive鈥攚ith your partner processing her grief, so she can cheer for your triathlons, and you supporting her in the ongoing challenges of her injury, as well as encouraging her other interests, which will likely evolve as she learns her new options and limits.

But here鈥檚 the thing: from your letter, I鈥檓 not sure you want to make things work. It sounds like maybe 测辞耻鈥檙别 looking for a way out. If that鈥檚 the case, it鈥檚 OK. You moved in together a year ago鈥攑ossibly sooner than you would have otherwise, because of the pandemic. And it鈥檚 not the relationship you thought it would be. If 测辞耻鈥檙别 unhappy, and you know that you don鈥檛 want to make the kinds of commitments that your partner is looking for, then the kindest thing is to end the relationship gently and swiftly, without dragging things out or making promises you don鈥檛 intend to keep.听

One note: if there鈥檚 even a tiny part of you that wants to leave because it鈥檚 too stressful to be around someone whose body isn鈥檛 performing to the athletic standard that she and you expect it to, then I鈥檇 strongly encourage you to talk to a psychologist yourself鈥攐ut of respect for your current partner, for possible future partners, and for your own sake, too. Athletes get injured; bodies change, sometimes a lot. It鈥檚 no more fair to expect otherwise than it is to begrudge a partner鈥檚 passions just because you can鈥檛 participate. Whatever happens, you should be ready to support your partner through all their ups and downs鈥攁nd you deserve someone who will do the same for you.

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