Welcome to Tough Love. Every other week, we鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is Blair聽Braverman,聽dogsled racer聽and author of聽.聽Have a question of your own? Write to us at聽toughlove@outsidemag.com.
My wife had a scare last year with a tick bite on her ankle (it swelled up and she thought she had Lyme disease, but it turned out she didn't) and since then she's been really paranoid about going outside in the summer. She spends ages checking herself for ticks even when she just walks across the grass, and it seems she's always so distracted that it鈥檚聽hardly fun any more. How can I help her to relax and enjoy herself again?
鈥擳icked Off
First off, recognize that her fear is valid. As someone who got Lyme disease two years ago, I can confirm that it can mess up your life, and should be treated with the same respect as any other potentially-health-ruining activity like, say, walking on the edge of a cliff or barbecuing in polar bear country. It鈥檚 possible that her 鈥減aranoia鈥 increases in proportion to your dismissals of it鈥攎uch聽like if she insisted on grilling burgers outside at 3 a.m. in Churchill, Manitoba, you might find yourself clinging to a tranquilizer gun, downing your second 5-Hour Energy of the night.
It sounds like two things are going on here. One, your wife is concerned about ticks and wants to take the proper precautions. Two, that concern may have grown into its own anxiety that鈥檚 interfering with her quality of life. These are linked, of course, but they鈥檙e two different problems.
Your response to the first can actually be pretty simple.聽Take your wife鈥檚 concerns seriously; respect her caution. Read the CDC鈥檚 latest report on tick-borne illnesses, learn about the types of ticks that live in your area (although keep in mind that with climate change, habitats are shifting), and study up on tick safety. Get some good bug repellant and wear lightweight, light-colored pants tucked into your socks, especially when you鈥檙e in the woods or crossing tall grass. Wash your clothes in hot water. Check each other鈥檚 hard-to-see spots. None of these precautions need to be particularly dramatic; they can be as casual as fastening your seat belt or reapplying sunscreen at the beach. Once you build the habit, you鈥檒l hardly notice.
It might also help your wife to have a plan in place if either of you does find an embedded tick. Worst case scenario, if you live in a Lyme hotspot, your doctor might recommend a single antibiotic as a prophylactic, or even a short course of doxycycline. But odds are that the risk is minimal; you can save the tick in a baggie, keep an eye out for symptoms, and go on with your lives. With time, and when disaster doesn鈥檛 strike, your wife鈥檚 worries will probably ease up on their own.
If not, it鈥檚 possible that her fear of ticks is part of a greater anxiety disorder. In that case, support her as you would for any other health concern: with your love and encouragement, and with the help of a medical specialist.聽Either way, remember that this, too, shall end鈥攃ome winter, when ticks die off and you can tromp in the woods together to your heart鈥檚 content.聽
One more thing: unusual anxiety and panic can itself be a symptom of tick-borne illnesses鈥攁nd your wife鈥檚 first blood test might not have been fully accurate. It might be worth going in for a follow-up blood panel, especially if her health (mental or physical) has changed in other ways. If she鈥檚 got the crud, better to catch it late than later.
Q: This might be TMI but I love the idea of hooking up in the woods. When my boyfriend and I go backpacking, we always have fun, cook a nice dinner, sit around the fire, et cetera. But when we get in the tent, he isn't interested. Otherwise our sex life is really great. Any tips for outdoorsy seduction?聽
鈥擣rustrated Lumbersexual
As with everything else nookie-related, your best bet is to talk it out when you鈥檙e not, uh, in the proximate occasion of your lustfulness. Hopefully you two are already good at talking about sex! And if not, this is a great chance to practice. I鈥檒l even give you some lines to use, if you鈥檙e concerned about coming up with your own.
鈥淚 was thinking鈥 it would be really hot to hook up the next time we鈥檙e camping.鈥
鈥淗ey Viggo, I want to ___ your ___ on a mountain.鈥
Your guy might decline, with or without an explanation; as a good human and lover, don鈥檛 push his 鈥渘o.鈥澛燞e might respond with an enthusiastic yes鈥攎aybe the idea never occurred to him. More likely, there鈥檚 something about camping that puts him out of the mood, even if he鈥檚 open to working around it. Maybe he鈥檚 worried about privacy, or feeling clean, or maybe he鈥檚 just exhausted after hiking. Whatever the reason, discuss it specifically: if he鈥檚 insecure about BO, what if you pitch your tent by a swimming hole? If he鈥檚 tired at night, you could linger in your sleeping bag on a rainy morning.聽
Remember that sex is a huge category, and what feels right outdoors could look very different from your normal routine. Nothing kills a sex drive (or a relationship) like pressure, so when the mood is right, take your time. Flirt. Be playful. Make each other feel good. Backpacking sex is like the trip itself: the fun parts are along the way.
Your turn鈥攁sk away at聽toughlove@outsidemag.com.