When Bre Kanak, an art teacher in northern Wisconsin, was invited to join a nine-day sea expedition to Antarctica, her husband Dan stayed home to watch their snakes and chickens. He felt a bit of FOMO, he admits, but mostly he was excited for her鈥攅specially because he got to follow along vicariously. Dan remembers keeping a close eye on Antarctic weather as Bre鈥檚 ship crossed the infamous Drake Passage, a stretch of circumpolar ocean known for having some of the roughest waves in the world. 鈥淚 remember being so proud when I got a text during the passage,鈥� Dan told me over the phone. 鈥淏re was standing outside in the wind, vlogging for her students. If I鈥檇 been there, I鈥檇 want to be the guy out on deck with a cigar, chatting it up with the crew. And minus the cigar, that was Bre.鈥�

鈥淲hen you choose your person, you think, 鈥楾his is my adventure partner,鈥欌�� Bre told me. 鈥淭he whole trip, I kept thinking how much he would have loved it.鈥� But every adventure partnership has limits, and the more adventurous a couple, the more likely that each partner will have to negotiate doing big things solo鈥攐r, sometimes, being the one left behind. If one person encourages their partner鈥檚 adventures but feels unsupported on their own, that gap can undermine or even end a relationship. But when the support is mutual, it sets up both partners for adventures they never would have managed otherwise.

It鈥檚 a dynamic I know intimately. My husband and I are both long-distance dogsledders, and while we train our team together, we race separately, taking turns embarking on multi-week solo expeditions while the other keeps the home fires burning. This past winter, he raced in the Iditarod while our kids and I stayed with my wonderful in-laws in Chicago. I felt incredibly proud, excited, and worried all at once, and flip-flopped between wishing that I, too, was on the runners in forty below鈥攁nd relishing the joys of eating takeout in a climate-controlled suburban house. More than anything else, I knew he was embarking on something extraordinarily difficult, and I wanted him to feel unequivocally supported and loved.

How do you have your partner鈥檚 back when they鈥檙e doing something big without you, whether it鈥檚 embarking on an expedition, running a marathon, or pursuing some other private dream? What if it鈥檚 a dream you can鈥檛 relate to鈥攁nd what if you wish you were doing it, too?

Put everything else aside: first, you have to believe in them. Believe in their preparation, their dedication, and their ability鈥攅ven if the journey doesn鈥檛 go as planned鈥攖o integrate what they鈥檝e learned and move forward stronger regardless. 国产吃瓜黑料s can go all kinds of ways. Your partner might fare far better than they hoped, or they might get injured, homesick, or caught in a storm. But believing in them doesn鈥檛 mean expecting a certain result; it means trusting their intention, their heart, and their hard work. Let them know you鈥檙e proud to bursting, every step of the way.

If you鈥檙e not familiar with their adventure or their sport, learn the language. You don鈥檛 have to be an expert, but if they鈥檙e, say, attempting the Appalachian Trail, you should know the difference between a thru- and section-hike, and understand terms like zero day, bonus mile, and blaze. Care enough to read a book about what they鈥檙e doing, or watch movies with them, even if it鈥檚 not a passion you share yourself. Is Dan specifically interested in Antarctica? Not really. He鈥檚 more into machinery and heritage apples. But you can bet that after Bre鈥檚 trip, he knows more about penguins than he ever expected to learn.

Part of the beauty of a public adventure鈥攚hether your partner鈥檚 on an expedition they鈥檝e advertised on social media, or running a big-name marathon all their training partners know about鈥攊s that you can be a container for other people to support them, too. If they鈥檙e out training for a race, buy some markers and poster boards and invite friends over for a beer-and-signmaking night. Then hide the signs until race day, when you can stage them along the route. Your partner will get a boost of encouragement from supporters they might not have expected, and you鈥檒l be building your own network of people you can call if you start freaking out over, say, split times. 鈥淏re鈥檚 dad found a website where we could see in real time where the ship was, how many miles out of port, the sea conditions, all of that,鈥� Dan says. 鈥淭hat was definitely a way to feel connected to her trip, and it kept me connected to her family, too.鈥�

The connections that form through a big endeavor can be surprising. After one of my first successful dogsled races, I got a note from a legend in the sport, Lloyd Gilbertson, who said he鈥檇 noticed my win and that I鈥檇 done a great job. I was flying high. I drove out to meet him, and we鈥檝e since become close friends. It took me a few years to realize what should have been obvious: there was nothing exemplary about my race in particular; that wasn鈥檛 why he reached out. He simply had a practice of noting up-and-comers and being generous with encouragement and praise. Lloyd is a dogsledding mentor to me now, but more than that, he鈥檚 a mentor in building and holding community鈥攖wo things that are vital when it comes to big adventures, whether it鈥檚 you or a loved one doing the adventuring. And being the person at home often means you have more time and space for communication, not less. Try to follow along with other athletes or adventurers doing the same thing as your partner, and don鈥檛 be afraid to reach out unsolicited to let them know that you care. Good energy comes around, and putting goodness into their community is a way of looking out for your partner, too.

And what if you get that restless feeling that you wish you were out there yourself? Try to distinguish between jealousy and envy: jealousy means wanting something just for yourself, while envy means that you see what someone else has, and you want it, too. It鈥檚 non-possessive, and luckily, there鈥檚 no scarcity of adventure in the world. Do you feel that your partner supports you, too, when it鈥檚 your turn to do something big? If not, that鈥檚 a bigger conversation鈥攂ut if so, now鈥檚 the time to breathe deep, refocus, and work on your patience. There are journeys enough for all of us, and yours will come, too.

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Forget roses. I don鈥檛 need chocolate. And the last thing I want to do for Valentine鈥檚 Day is go out to an overpriced prix fixe dinner. What I want for Valentine鈥檚 Day, and what I think is the most valuable gift from one partner to another, is to spend quality time together in the great outdoors. Time outside together is my love language.

My husband, Mark, and I have been married for 21 years. We started dating when he worked at Rock & Ice Magazine and I worked at Trail Runner Magazine. (It鈥檚 a very Boulder, Colorado love story.) We spent those early days trail running and climbing together. One of our first dates was a three-pitch climb on a very exposed face on Independence Pass鈥攊n the rain. He had overestimated both my climbing ability and my comfort level with exposure. I cried. He calmed me. He鈥檇 been a climbing guide and knew how to talk me off a ledge, literally and figuratively.

While we were dating, I occasionally dragged him into adventure races when my team and I needed another teammate. We still joke about the 24-hour race in California where his knee was bothering him about 22 hours in and we were reduced to a walk. I said something caring and comforting like, 鈥淵our knee is already hurt. We might as well run.鈥� We did. He recovered.

We鈥檝e since had two kids, and juggled jobs, finances, friends, and household chores. We often tag-team who goes to our sons鈥� soccer games on weekends while the other does their outdoor sport with friends, alone, or with the dog. Our relationship tends to collect dust, as does a lot of the outdoor gear that we鈥檝e amassed over the years.

We鈥檝e all heard about the numerous studies that prove spending time in nature,, and can even. And there鈥檚 a good reason why more therapists are adopting, either working with clients through dance or, especially here in Boulder, going for hikes. The mind-body connection can鈥檛 be ignored, and there is something to be said for opening up to someone and connecting while you鈥檙e not face to face鈥攃onsider why running partners become so close; why kids often share more openly with their parents while in the car; and why two stubborn people who have been married 21 years actually talk more when outside doing an activity together.

A few recent studies have taken a look at how. But I don鈥檛 need a study to tell me that spending quality time outdoors together is good for my relationship with my husband. (That said, if I need to use science as an argument to get him out the door with me, so be it.)

One of my favorite ways to celebrate any event in the 23 years we鈥檝e been together is to spend time on the trail. Right around our fifteenth anniversary, I was invited to a 鈥渃ouple鈥檚-oriented鈥� travel-writers鈥� trip on the island of Kauai. (The perks of the job are sometimes very good.) My husband and I听 were treated to fancy dinners and stayed in nice places. But we connected the most鈥攁nd I knew this would happen鈥攚hen just the two of us hiked the on the Na Pali Coast. It didn鈥檛 hurt that the views were spectacular and swimming underneath a waterfall was otherworldly. But it was the walking and talking I liked the most鈥攕omething we can attain anywhere, anytime if we just make the effort.

So, instead of spending money on clich茅d Valentine鈥檚 gifts like flowers, chocolate, or jewelry鈥攐r even buying each other adventure-enabling gear that we鈥檇 likely use separately鈥攁ll I want to do is dust off the gear we already have and head outside, together. It鈥檚 the time, and the space, that is most valuable.

We may go on a hike with the dog. We may get creative, put on headlamps, and go for a night hike. Or we may grab our skinny skis and the dog and glide through a snow-covered open space to a lake. That may sound romantic, but it鈥檚 more than romance I鈥檓 after. It鈥檚 the connection. And connection is everything.

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It鈥檚 a bluebird day at Val Thorens in France, the highest ski resort in Europe, and there鈥檚 still an hour and a half till the lifts close. But unlike your diehard last-chair Rockies skier, we鈥檝e abandoned our skis. We鈥檝e traded the lift lines for the queues at La Folie Douce, a famous outdoor bar above a steep blue run.

To my left, a group of skiers in Hogwarts regalia bops along to house music. Artificial fog engulfs the group on the table in front of me, where a flannel-clad man is dancing in front of the crowd. He and his friends are doing lewd things with a six-liter bottle of ros茅鈥�550 euros鈥攁nd taking turns drinking straight out of it. A woman sways in black sequined pants. In the right lighting, she could be mistaken for a disco ball.

鈥淐hampagne鈥� shower. Champagne鈥� SHOWER,鈥� the DJ starts to chant from a balcony overlooking the wooden deck, slowly building speed and volume. He waves for the crowd to join in.

鈥淐hampagne鈥� shower,鈥� we chant back. 鈥淐hampagne鈥� shower. Champagne鈥� SHOWER. CHAMPAGNE鈥斺�� and then we get what we want: three bottles are popped and fizz rains from the balcony. We scream and duck, but there鈥檚 nowhere to hide from the spray. We鈥檙e packed in tighter than ski bums jockeying for the first tram of the morning.

We鈥檙e above treeline, surrounded by views of sharp, snow-covered peaks, yet the Alps are forgotten. The mountains aren鈥檛 the point鈥攖hey鈥檙e the vehicle.

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My favorite Tough Love question from the last eight years, the one I (somewhat inexplicably) recall most fondly, was from a woman whose boyfriend was grossed out that she used a pee rag鈥攁.k.a. reusable toilet paper鈥攚hile camping. We got a lot of impassioned reader feedback about that one: Pee is sanitary! Pee is gross! Bodies are normal! Women鈥檚 bodies in particular are gross! (OK, dude.) And though I鈥檇 phrase my answer differently now, I stand by the gist of it: If you don鈥檛 want your boyfriend weighing in on your wiping habits, don鈥檛 tell him about them. Wherever that couple is now, together or apart, I hope they鈥檝e figured out how to pee in peace.

The secret about an outdoors advice column, of course, is that it鈥檚 basically a regular advice column with the words 鈥渨hile camping鈥� tacked to the end of each question. Consider:

Should I break up with my boyfriend? He鈥檚 ignoring my boundaries while camping.

How do I stop hating my body while camping?

I鈥檓 desperately lonely. While camping, I mean. Obviously. Right?

鈥淲hile camping鈥� is 国产吃瓜黑料 magazine鈥檚 鈥渁sking for a friend鈥�: a framing that distances us just enough from our problems that we might gather the courage to speak them aloud. The questions that readers sent to Tough Love were almost never uniquely outdoors-specific. Rather, the outdoors served as both backdrop and shared language between asker and reader. A number of thru-hikers, climbers, kayakers, skiers, and runners wrote to me over the years, but their problems weren鈥檛 about, say, the best way to dry long johns over a campfire. They were about grief, illness, heartbreak, anxiety, and love. 国产吃瓜黑料鈥檚 community, more than anyone, should know that wherever we go, our shadows follow. And it鈥檚 often in the most spectacular places鈥攁 mountaintop at sunrise, a bonfire with friends鈥攖hat our worries are cast in the greatest relief.

And yet there is something unique about an outdoors advice column, less in the specifics of individual problems than in the way those problems reveal the contours of bigger, communal ones. By far the most common questions I received, again and again, were variations on two issues. First: I am a man, and I鈥檓 struggling to find and date women who are outdoorsy. Second: I am an outdoorsy woman, and men won鈥檛 date me because I鈥檓 better/stronger/faster than they are. It would be too simple to suggest that the writers of these letters meet, date each other, and thus solve all their problems, because it鈥檚 precisely the contrast between these two categories that reveals the root of the issue. What is it? Misogyny (or to phrase it as generously as possible for individual men: the sexist pressure on them to be more accomplished than their girlfriends or wives). Men, if you want to date outdoorsy women, there are plenty available鈥攂ut you might need to work on your insecurities first. As for women who date men? At least some of us are outta luck.

At the core, advice columns are gossip. It鈥檚 a myth鈥攁n excuse we tell ourselves, as part of the writer-columnist-reader triad鈥攖hat their purpose is to deliver wisdom to the letter-writer. Instead, the whole dynamic is a collaboration, an exchange. Readers rubberneck, reassuring themselves that although they make plenty of mistakes, they would never make that one. Alternately, they take comfort in the fact they鈥檙e not alone. And the letter-writer shares something vulnerable, under cover of anonymity, in exchange for being seen.

I never shared letter-writers鈥� identities, even with my editors. A few questions were written by celebrities. Some were sent by my friends. Some people were so cautious that they wrote in under fake names, from fake email addresses. And at least one question was my own. (A great exercise, in a tricky situation, is to imagine that you鈥檙e an advice columnist and someone sent in a letter about your exact situation. How would you reassure them? What would you recommend they do? And if you happened to write an actual advice column, wouldn鈥檛 you be tempted to publish the exchange?) There were questions, too, that I never had a chance to answer, either because they were too similar to ones we鈥檇 already published, or because they lacked context. 鈥淲hat do I do next?鈥� someone once wrote, as the entirety of their email. I just wanted to give them a hug.

Sometimes readers sent in advice for other letter-writers, pouring their hearts out over shared experiences, and I passed the messages along. Other times, folks corrected my takes, explaining details I鈥檇 missed or ways my response was short-sighted. Regarding a woman with asthma whose boyfriend accused her of abandoning him when she had to leave a campground due to wildfire smoke, I received, to Tough Love鈥檚 email address, this phenomenal piece of reader feedback: 鈥淭he fact that your advice to this poor woman was decent enough does not justify your presuming, as a dogsledder, to answer her deeply concerning plea.鈥�

I texted my friend a screenshot, delighted by the implication that dogsledders are uniquely bad at giving advice. 鈥淒oes she think that advice columnists go to鈥� advice column school?鈥� she texted back.

In fact, at the time I started writing Tough Love, I was just out of grad school, living on $18,000 a year and supporting a fledgling sled dog team. I鈥檇 written an essay鈥攁 love letter, really鈥攖hat went viral, and got passed around 国产吃瓜黑料鈥檚 editors. When they approached me about writing an outdoors relationship advice column, I felt like I鈥檇 won the lottery, and in a way I had: a steady freelance gig is practically as rare. I was on a road trip when I got the email. To give me practice, my now-husband read letters from Cosmo magazine aloud, tweaking details to make them outdoors-specfic. I still remember: 鈥淲hat do you do if you get cum in your eye,鈥� he asked me, 鈥渋n the woods?鈥�

I had no idea. Stick your face in a river? I googled it. Then I regretted googling it. I probably wouldn鈥檛 get that question, I reassured myself. On the other hand, what if I did? I didn鈥檛 want to guide people wrong. Or make their eyes hurt. I felt then about the column, and always have, an intense pressure to do no harm.

I suspect my primary strength as an advice columnist is that I don鈥檛 think I have all the answers. For some questions, I dug deeply into my own experience.Those columns are still raw and near to my heart, whether they鈥檙e about grief, being a woman alone in the wilderness, writing a memoir, or the fear of losing a dog. But more often, I used the questions as springboards to approach and interview people鈥攆amily members, friends, even strangers I admired鈥攚hose wisdom I wanted to both learn from and pass on. With particularly puzzling situations, I even brought up the questions at dinner parties, asking folks around the table to weigh in. It was in response to these strangers鈥� questions that people close to me shared some of their most tender truths. For that, I鈥檒l always be grateful.

At the close of the column, I think its greatest lesson, at least for me, is this: we should ask each other for advice more. The questions don鈥檛 even have to be our own. Share situations you鈥檝e read about, or heard about, or even seen on TV, and ask your loved ones what they鈥檇 recommend. Problems are inherently vulnerable; they invite vulnerability in return. You鈥檒l be surprised by how often people will take the invitation to say what they鈥檝e needed to say.

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My whole perspective on 鈥渂elaytionships鈥� (and how to improve them) changed when a friend referred to the task as a 鈥渟acred duty.鈥� It鈥檚 common to view our turn on the ground as nothing more than filler time between pitches, or worse: a burden that we must bear in exchange for the joys of climbing. But belaying is more than just a necessary evil. The special relationship between belay partners is what elevates climbing from a myopic pursuit of personal excellence to a reciprocal experience. Supporting someone else on their journey toward the send can feel just as powerful as making that journey ourselves.听

The best belaytionships have respect for both sides of the equation. Not only that, both parties put in the effort to learn and implement what their partner needs from a belayer to feel safe and secure while climbing. That鈥檚 no easy feat, considering how vulnerable the act of pushing limits high off the deck can leave a climber. The barrage of emotion often amplifies our fears and needs far beyond what they would be on the ground. A strong belaytionship takes all the havoc in stride.听

But it doesn鈥檛 happen overnight. Just like in any other relationship, climbing partners have to go through their fair share of struggles in order to reach a state of mutual respect and support. Learn from some of the most long-standing belaytionships in the sport about how to weather the storms that plague even the most dynamic of duos in the sport, and foster the kind of partnership that will last as long as your love for climbing.听

1. Prioritize the Person

Yes, your project is important. It鈥檚 what motivates you to crawl out of your cozy bed in time to catch the cool morning temps, stay out late until the sun sets over the cliff, and dedicate every spare hour to deciphering its coded messages. But we鈥檇 all do well to remember one thing: it鈥檚 still just a rock.听

鈥淎t the end of the day,鈥� says climber Andy Salo, 鈥測ou鈥檙e going home with your partner鈥攏ot your project. Whatever emotions and stresses you鈥檙e dealing with as a result of your project bounces off on your partner, and they have to carry that.鈥�

Salo and his partner Whitney Boland have been climbing together for over a decade. They鈥檙e able to support each other best when the one on the wall exercises enough restraint to keep their worst wobblers in check. A charged reaction to what happens on your project may not be a personal attack on your belayer, but it sure can feel that way to them. Taking their presence for granted will inevitably push them away. Rocks are great and all, but they鈥檝e got nothing on real live human beings. No project is worth losing your partner over.听

2. Let It Go

That being said, wobblers will happen. Even the most restrained among us isn鈥檛 immune to the frustrations involved in climbing. When your partner鈥檚 feelings come out in a big way, stay grounded. Maggie and Chuck Odette, Maple Canyon legends who have been steadfast partners in all things climbing and life for the past 14 years, suggest 鈥減utting up a force-field鈥� when emotions run high.听

鈥淚t鈥檚 not about ignoring the other person鈥檚 feelings,鈥� Maggie clarifies, 鈥渂ut more about protecting your own emotional state. It鈥檚 basically an agreement that just because I鈥檓 having a low-confidence or less-than-optimal day, I don鈥檛 expect you to join in!鈥澨�

In that sense, belayers might have to take one for the team sometimes. Pick your battles. Some things are worth addressing with your climbing partner for the sake of improving your dynamic. Other gripes might be better kept silent if they鈥檙e more likely to cause trouble than good once they鈥檙e out in the open. In the wise words of good ol鈥� Dr. Phil: Do you want to be right, or do you want to be together?听

3. Trust Their Tactics

It鈥檚 not just the climber that experiences heightened emotions. Belayers often go through their own emotional rollercoasters, especially when they鈥檙e in charge of protecting someone they care deeply about. You want to support them in their efforts鈥ut you also want to get them back down to the ground safely. And in a sport like climbing, where there are very real risks involved, the two don鈥檛 always mix.

Salo and Boland emphasize the importance of trusting your partner鈥檚 instincts. 鈥淲hitney learned that if I felt confident enough for a scary lead, she could trust that I was going to be as safe as possible doing it鈥攅ven though that was nerve-wracking for her,鈥� says Salo. 鈥淎ny fear she felt for me was best kept to herself,鈥� he explains, because the expression of it would throw off the focus and confidence he needed to climb safely.听

Trust is the foundation of any stable relationship, belaytionships included. Talk to your climber ahead of time about their expectations for the route and affirm your belief in their ability to make sound decisions. Address any concerns before they ever leave the ground. Then, when they鈥檙e off, follow through with that trust. It鈥檚 key to ensuring their safety.听

4. Plan Ahead

Just because you鈥檙e climbing together doesn鈥檛 mean that your agendas will always align. Be careful not to assume that you and your partner have the exact same plan in mind. The Odette鈥檚 learned early on that they don鈥檛 tend to wake up at the same pace in the morning. Rather than let that turn into a chronic disagreement, they make sure to make a game plan for what the next day will look like before going to bed the night before.听

Do your best to line up your ideal day with your partner鈥檚. If possible, find climbs that are close enough to each other at the crag so that you can both have equal time on your projects. 鈥淚f it鈥檚 impossible to hit both in the same day,鈥� adds Salo, 鈥済ive up one weekend day to your partner and trade off the next day. You might not send as quick, but you鈥檒l keep from burning out your belaytionship.鈥�

5. Fail Together, Send Together

鈥淎lways remember that even though you and your partner are in the same place, at the same time, doing the same thing, it鈥檚 not very likely that you鈥檙e experiencing it exactly the same way,鈥� says Odette.听

To find common ground, treat climbing as a team effort. 鈥淢ost of climbing is failing,鈥� Odette reminds us. 鈥淚f you鈥檙e going to fail in front of anyone, your person is the best choice. And when one of you sends, it鈥檚 a win for the team!鈥澨�

Put yourself in their shoes. Take on their failures and celebrate their sends. You might not know exactly how they鈥檙e feeling, but the effort goes a long way. Ask them about their experience and absorb every nitty-gritty detail. The better you understand their emotional state while climbing, the better you can share in their journey and tackle each pitch in harmony.

6. Nurture the Relationship

鈥ot just the belaytionship. Salo firmly believes that 鈥渃limbing will expose any shortcomings in the relationship between belay partners as a whole.鈥� Whether you climb with your life partner or a close friend, your connection extends beyond the crag. Even if you only see your belay partner during climbing sessions, I鈥檓 willing to bet that your conversations between pitches go much deeper than 鈥渂elay on, climb on.鈥�

With that in mind, problems in a belaytionship often stem from elsewhere in the relationship. 鈥淚f you haven鈥檛 figured out how to support your partner in other avenues of life, it likely will not happen in climbing either,鈥� warns Salo. Dissect the conflicts that crop up with your partner while climbing. Are they really about the amount of slack in the rope or what your partner said while they were cruxing? Or do they have more to do with something going on at home? Try as you might, you can鈥檛 separate the two completely.听

In the short-term, aim to resolve any outside disputes before you get to the crag鈥攐r at least press pause. The physical and emotional demands of climbing will only escalate those struggles until they鈥檙e worse than they were before. In the long-term, pick up on the patterns that dictate your crag conflicts. What do they say about more serious insecurities or disagreements plaguing your relationship? Get to the root of the issue. Nurture the relationship to save the belaytionship.听

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When I first started dating my boyfriend, he mentioned that he had a group of friends who went 鈥渃amping鈥� every month to practice skills for the future. I asked for more details and he said that they practice orienteering, tracking, and survival skills like that. He鈥檚 a really sweet, caring guy and nothing seemed like a red flag. Actually, my ex was less social and very clingy, so I remember thinking it was a green flag that he spent time with friends.听

We鈥檝e been together for a year now. In that time, this group has become a bigger part of his life. They meet up almost every week. They also started meeting at a gun club. When I asked why, he talked about social unrest and wanting to make sure that he can protect us. He鈥檚 also been obsessively watching the news about in New Jersey.听

I was looking for something in the basement last week and came across a duffel bag filled with packaged food and ammo boxes. It was upsetting because I鈥檝e asked him before if he鈥檚 a prepper. He told me he isn鈥檛, but that he doesn鈥檛 want to be a frog in boiling water who doesn鈥檛 notice when things start to heat up. But I don鈥檛 want to be a frog in boiling water either. I really love him, but I鈥檓 starting to think there might be more under the surface that he鈥檚 hiding from me. How do I know when it鈥檚 getting to be too much?

Question: Does your boyfriend seem to enjoy all this? Is it fun for him? If so, then I want to hold space for the best possibility here, which is that prepping (and yes, this is prepping, regardless of whether he admits it) is his hobby.

Consider historical reenactment: a broad interest that gathers a lot of different skills and pastimes under one roof. Reenactors don鈥檛 just dress up like people in their chosen era; they also learn crafts, cooking, languages, and so on. Hobby preppers do the same, but in reverse. Instead of focusing on the past, they imagine a future when their skills in self-reliance might be put to good use.

That future probably won鈥檛 come to pass, but there are plenty of realistic scenarios where their skills could come in handy. It鈥檚 not that everyone who buys a zombie apocalypse bug-out kit is actually scared of zombies. It鈥檚 just that prepping for a zombie apocalypse is more fun than packing the exact same supplies so they鈥檙e ready in case of an unusually long power outage.听听

Some people follow end-of-the-world scenarios like other people follow sports. Sometimes a bag of food and bullets is just, uh, a bag of food and bullets.

If that鈥檚 your boyfriend鈥檚 situation鈥攊f he enjoys thinking about possibilities, and trying new things, and he has a good friend group to try them with鈥攖hen there鈥檚 no need to worry. That said, you mentioned a few things that do concern me, and I鈥檇 recommend getting to the bottom of them.

First, your boyfriend said he鈥檚 going to the gun club because he wants to be able to protect your household against social unrest.

To me, that says he鈥檚 imagining a near future in which he might have to shoot people, or at the very least, scare them away with guns. Not zombies; people. He鈥檚 couching the violence of that image under a fantasy of protection, but the point remains the same.

Does that mean that everyone who learns to shoot for self-defense is fantasizing about shooting people? Of course not. And presumably, he鈥檚 practicing at a range that emphasizes gun safety and responsibility.听 But given the anticipatory subtext of prepping in general, and the other details you shared鈥攊ncluding his use of the phrase 鈥渉eat up鈥濃�擨 think this development is concerning.

Secondly, and most important, you鈥檙e worried that there鈥檚 more under the surface.

You know your boyfriend well. You鈥檝e watched his interests change and grow, and you鈥檝e seen how he鈥檚 responding to the news. You saw the look on his face when you found his bag of food and bullets. You don鈥檛 seem like a paranoid or sensational person. If the hairs on the back of your neck are going up, that鈥檚 the most important clue that something is wrong.

aIn fact, even if everything else seemed perfect, that would still tell me that something鈥檚 wrong.

I鈥檓 wondering why your boyfriend denied that he was a prepper, when the term isn鈥檛 derogatory, and it seems so clearly accurate from the outside. Is there another term he uses for his activities, or his identity? If he鈥檚 willing to tell you, it might help clarify his agenda, his priorities, and where his head is at. If he won鈥檛 tell you鈥搃f he鈥檚 convinced that his activities are so practical and universal that they have no name鈥搕hen that鈥檚 illuminating, too.

You haven鈥檛 been together very long, in the grand scheme of things. Do you really want to move into the future with someone whose vision of that future is fundamentally different from yours? If this isn鈥檛 the relationship you want, you don鈥檛 need a specific conflict or fight or reason to break up. Your feelings鈥揳nd your discomfort鈥揳re more than enough.

If you stay together, keep your eyes open. Notice what鈥檚 going on. Remember that you鈥檝e had concerns before, so if something else raises an alarm, it鈥檚 part of a pattern. If you live together, try to have a plan, and some money saved up, in case you decide to leave. After all, it never hurts to be prepared.

Blair Braverman writes our听Tough Love column. Previously, she has given advice on dating a sore loser.

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I recently moved into a new neighborhood where everyone is involved in each others鈥� lives. (Picture picket fences, etc.) I鈥檝e noticed that when a neighbor needs to borrow something, like a snow shovel, they come to my door. In particular, there鈥檚 an older woman who lives alone across the street and seems to think that I鈥檓 her personal assistant. She鈥檒l come over uninvited to ask for things every week or so, like to take her dog out to pee when she has an appointment, or even to reach things that are high up in her garage. She does bring me baked goods, which is nice. But cynically, I feel like she does it so that I can鈥檛 say no when she asks for favors in return. I have a physical outdoor job, and when I come home I just want to relax and protect my peace. I don鈥檛 want to be rude, but how much am I actually obligated to help people just because I live near them?

Surely, your elderly neighbor is baking you cookies in an insidious plot to put you in her debt, but joke鈥檚 on her鈥攜ou never signed a contract! The answer to your question, clearly, is that you鈥檙e not obligated to help her at all. People aren鈥檛 credit card companies, measuring all interactions based on who owes what to whom, with a guarantee that at the end of the day we鈥檒l all end up exactly even (or ahead). You can accept your neighbor鈥檚 cookies, but refuse to reach things off her top shelf. You鈥檒l probably get fewer cookies over time, but that鈥檚 not because you haven鈥檛 earned them. It鈥檚 because she鈥檒l assume that you don鈥檛 like her very much.

From my perspective, it doesn鈥檛 seem like this neighbor is taking advantage of you. The help she鈥檚 requested isn鈥檛 particularly time consuming, nor has she asked for anything she could reasonably hire someone to do. Sure, she could stand on a chair and reach things herself, but if she鈥檚 disinclined to do that, it鈥檚 probably because she knows something about her balance that you don鈥檛. These are exactly the kinds of things that we should be relying on friends and neighbors for鈥攁nd if the ask isn鈥檛 onerous (and sometimes even if it is), then yes, I believe we should all try to chip in when we can. Even you.

It may be that you鈥檙e overworked right now, and feeling extra irritable because you鈥檙e stressed and tired. If that鈥檚 the case, I think it鈥檚 a reason to lean on community more, not less. That鈥檚 exactly why your neighbor brings you cookies! She wants you to know that she鈥檚 thinking of you, and that she cares. Not just about what you can do for her, but about who you are and how you鈥檙e doing. If you fell and broke both of your legs, and you couldn鈥檛 take her dog out anymore, I鈥檓 99 percent sure she would keep bringing you baked goods. In fact, she鈥檇 probably bring you more.

I鈥檓 curious what you mean when you say that you want to protect your peace. Does 鈥減eace鈥� mean sitting in your house, undisturbed, free from considering the inconvenient needs of the people around you? What would it look like if everyone protected their peace the same way you do? What if you need a snow shovel one day, because your car is buried and you need to dig it out before you can get to the store to buy one? Your peace isn鈥檛 just yours; it鈥檚 contingent on living in a world where people have what they need, and part of that means that communities and neighbors are able to rely on each other.

Unless, of course, your peace is just yours鈥攁nd it鈥檚 something you鈥檝e learned to guard fiercely because no one else has protected it for you. If you鈥檝e spent your life being taken advantage of, then it makes sense that you鈥檇 develop a laser-focus on self-protection, and would come to view apparently generous interactions through a lens of suspicion. If that鈥檚 the case, I鈥檓 truly sorry. I wouldn鈥檛 wish that on anyone. You鈥檙e welcome to continue focusing on yourself alone, especially if it鈥檚 how you鈥檝e learned to survive. But if there鈥檚 some spark in you that does crave an interdependent community, but feels vulnerable or afraid, then perhaps this new neighborhood presents a small opportunity to heal. I wonder if you even sensed this ahead of time, and were drawn to living here for that very reason.

One way to change your experience, ironically, is to learn to accept kindness. Even when that feels scary, because if it ends, you鈥檒l be alone again. Enjoying your neighbor鈥檚 cookies doesn鈥檛 mean that you鈥檙e dependent on her generosity. It means you鈥檙e peering through the doorway into a world that鈥檚 full of cookies. A world where kindness is passed freely, without suspicion. To you. And from you, too.

There are an infinite number of ways to build that kindness. Instead of just lending a snow shovel, offer to come help dig. Hold a door for someone. Toss back a frisbee that comes your way. Or just smile and say, 鈥淪ure, I can reach something off your top shelf. It鈥檚 no problem. And why don鈥檛 I bring over some hot chocolate, too?鈥�

听writes our听Tough Love听column. Previously, she has given advice on dealing with a weird neighbor.

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On the morning of Monday, May 6, the air on the Cumbrian Coast was 58 degrees Fahrenheit and very damp. 听The tide was neither in nor out, and the surface of the Irish Sea looked like a restless version of the paved parking lot where my wife and I stood. Before descending to the beach, I loosened my shoelaces, jogged a few experimental steps, and tightened the laces again. Emma was stretching her quads and fiddling with the nozzle of her water bladder. We had giddy prerace feelings, though this was not a race, or even a run, and we鈥檇 come to England because we wanted to slow down.

Above the beach, a muddy path crept up a green sheep pasture to the top of St. Bees Head, a 300-foot sandstone sea cliff teeming with birds and mist. We knew from maps and books and online research that the Coast to Coast Walk, which we were there to do, traversed the mesa-like head for four and a half miles before veering eastward for another 188.

鈥淗ow are they feeling?鈥� Emma asked, nodding grimly in the direction of my feet.

鈥淚鈥檓 hoping they鈥檙e just nervous,鈥� I replied.

A fishing boat was humming alone in the sea fret. Beach pebbles clacked with fright, delight, or some other rocky emotion as they were tumbled by the waves. Because it鈥檚 a Coast to Coast tradition, we spent a few minutes on the shore picking among these oblate stones until one felt right鈥攎ine a mostly solid matte black, Emma鈥檚 black with green veins. Then we slid the rocks into our packs, dipped our feet in the sea, and clicked our Garmin watches on.

鈥淚鈥檒l race ya,鈥� Emma said.

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