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Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Part I
Ten questions to help you find that perfect mountain
By Paul Kvinta
If you’ve ever been beaned by a flying snowboarder, failed to score the perfect lodge martini, or found that the only diversion for your five-year-old is the high-speed quad, you need help picking a resort. Skiing, unlike most sports, welcomes equally mothers and madmen, naturalists and natural-born partiers. Take this test. Answer honestly. Somewhere, your resort is out
there.
1. When you approach a fallen novice on the slopes, you typically
(a) swish by in a powder-induced daze.
(b) offer Bactine and a hug.
(c) check to see if the person is someone famous.
(d) There are no novices where you venture–there are no other skiers, period.
2. If the TV is on in your home, it’s likely tuned to
(a) Charlie Rose jawing “thoughtfully” with Fred Krupp.
(b) the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.
(c) anything produced by Aaron Spelling.
(d) nothing–they shut off your cable long ago and you just sold your TV to buy a new avalanche transceiver.
3. On the slopes, you usually wear
(a) an army-surplus sweater, a union suit, and a handwoven alpaca-wool hat with earflaps.
(b) the oversize nylon bib Uncle Bob and Aunt Hazel loaned you.
(c) the latest Bogner one-piece, Revo shades, and an even tan.
(d) a Gore-Tex anorak and pants with reinforced Cordura elbows, butt, and knees, and a No Fear baseball cap on backward.
4. For lunch, you typically
(a) munch celery stalks and sun-dried apricots.
(b) tote brown-bag PBJs and pudding Snack Packs.
(c) down a few St. Pauli Girls on a midmountain sundeck.
(d) Lunch?
5. As for terrain, you prefer to ski
(a) as deep in the woods as you can get.
(b) wide, easy boulevards within earshot of the SKIwee training ground.
(c) any run beneath an always-packed lift.
(d) anything with life-shortening potential.
6. You view lift lines as
(a) unsightly blemishes on Mother Nature’s hallowed body.
(b) places to take head counts and kiss boo-boos.
(c) an opportunity to hit the flask, drop names, and make dinner plans.
(d) well, since you don’t have the cash to go heliskiing…
7. In the evenings after skiing, you enjoy
(a) lingering over Lemon Zinger and fretting the demise of the golden-cheeked warbler.
(b) attending the lodge sing-along.
(c) gelling your precision hairdo and searching for anything resembling a club.
(d) popping your shoulder back into place.
8. Your favorite lodge drink is
(a) bottled glacier water.
(b) Ovaltine.
(c) Glenlivet by a roaring fire.
(d) a shot of Cuervo with a Tecate chaser.
9. Acceptable accommodations during your ski vacation means
(a) a phoneless cabin in the woods.
(b) a condo complex near a video arcade and a Pizza Hut.
(c) a slopeside lodge with a private hot tub and pay-per-view.
(d) a dry spot on the floor big enough for your sleeping bag.
10. When planning a ski trip, your most important consideration is
(a) a low population of loud Texans.
(b) day care.
(c) uninterrupted cellular coverage.
(d) high-speed quads, house-size bumps, and 50-degree couloirs.
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