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The real art is figuring out how to keep a fire going, especially when you have wet wood.
The real art is figuring out how to keep a fire going, especially when you have wet wood. (Photo: Dana Halferty/Tandem)
DIY

Preparing for Anything During a Pandemic

A self-proclaimed "soft" writer tries to beef up his end-of-world skills during quarantine

Published: 
The real art is figuring out how to keep a fire going, especially when you have wet wood.
(Photo: Dana Halferty/Tandem)

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I don鈥檛 have a lot of practical skills. I know this because, in a pandemic-fueled fit of panic,听I made a list of things I know how to do in case modern society crumbles: 鈥減retty good at slacklining鈥 and 鈥渃an decipher the precise citrus notes in an IPA鈥 made the cut. But听I realized that nobody will care about pairing the perfect pale ale with chicken wings when society collapses.听People will need practical skills, and I have soft writer hands.听

I don鈥檛 think I鈥檓 alone. We鈥檙e all increasingly specialized in today鈥檚 society, focusing on perfecting one task and letting听skills that used to be common knowledge fall by the wayside. If my lawn mower breaks, I buy a new one. If I want fresh vegetables, I go to the farmers鈥 market. Fewer and fewer of us know to build a fire or navigate without听GPS.听

So听while everyone else was using this state-mandated time at home to binge Tiger King,听I听decided听to听add to my end-of-the-world resume. Was听I buying into the prepper paranoia? Maybe. I鈥檓 not digging a bunker anytime soon, but there鈥檚 nothing wrong with trying to be a capable individual who knows how to start a fire in the rain or clean a fish. Before the pandemic, I could鈥檝e signed up for a series of survival-skills clinics or camps, but that wasn鈥檛听an option. So听I leaned into the internet. Here are the skills I鈥檝e been learning to become more useful.

Key Skill: Start a Fire Without Matches

I don鈥檛 understand how people 鈥渁ccidentally鈥 start forest fires in non-arid places. I can barely start a fire on purpose under ideal conditions with a lighter, lots of newspaper, and wood soaked in gasoline. My lack of pyrotechnic skills has been a source of embarrassment since childhood, and I鈥檓 usually听relegated to the role of gathering wood听while more useful people deal with the actual flame.听

The truly hardcore can start a fire听by rubbing two sticks together, but I have no delusions of being hardcore. So听during my time of learning, I focused on the flint and steel method, where you take a piece of steel (like the back of a fixed-blade knife) and rub it across a piece of flint or a ferro rod听to create sparks. After ordering a , my 11-year-oldson and I set about starting fires in our backyard. Using a ferro rod takes a little practice鈥斕齣s to apply a lot of pressure with the steel鈥攁nd I bloodied several knuckles figuring outthe motion. Eventually, I was able to start fires听using a little bit of dryer lint and some crushed leaves. It was like a magic trick.听

But here鈥檚 the thing about fires: getting a spark and flame is easy, whether you鈥檙e using a lighter or a knife and ferro rod. The real art is figuring out how to keep a fire going, especially when you have wet wood. I live in the southern Appalachians, where it rains constantly, so dry wood is scarce. Fortunately, while researching fire-starting techniques, I stumbled .In it听a man听uses a Swiss Army knife to create a firestarter and kindling out of sawdust from a stump and听shavings from the inside of a stick, where the wood is dry. Those wood chipslight up like a can of hairspray. For larger pieces of wet wood, I learned to use a hatchet or large field knife to hack into the dry core. From now on, I鈥檓 definitely going to carry a field knife鈥擨鈥檒l be that weird guy who forages for food and has a Crocodile Dundee鈥搒tyle blade on his hip at all times.听

Confidence Level: High. Let some other chump gather wood; I鈥檓 on fire duty now.听

Key Skill: Forage听for Food听

Growing food is an enviable skill, but why not cut out the middleman and learn how to forage for food that鈥檚 just out there waiting to be eaten?听

Chances are there鈥檚 enough food growing wild within walking distance of your backyard to provide a couple of meals. The key is identifying what鈥檚 safe to eat, because manywild edible plants have poisonous look-alikes. That makes the whole process fun鈥攂ut risky. The safest way to learn foraging is to find a mentor听or, at the very least, take a series of courses where you鈥檙e guided听in the wild. Because that wasn鈥檛 an option for me over听the past few months,听I used the site听, which has tons of information about common edible plants found throughout the country that are relatively easy to identify. The founders of that blog also contributed to the book听, if you鈥檙e looking for something tangible to carry around.

I started by foraging dandelions; the whole herb听is edible, but I focused on the big, leafy greens, which you cook like collards. Then I moved onto plantain (not the fruit), a听broad-leafed weed that tastes like spinach, and violet leaves, a miracle plant听that has been听used for centuries for all kinds of medicinal purposes. You can even turn it听into lip balm, but is always having Chapstick on hand a valuable end-of-world skill? Maybe. I鈥檓 more concerned with sustenance, so I saut茅ed听my new finds with butter and garlic.听

Once I started learning about the abundance of wild edibles, I couldn鈥檛 stop looking for them. Every trail run听is听a foraging event now鈥擨 spend as much time hunched over the ground looking for microgreens as I do worrying about my heart rate. I鈥檓 also starting to dabble with mushroom hunting, but it scares the shit out of me听because, you know, death. Also, you have to watch out for maggots, which burrow into mushrooms and can ruin any meal if you鈥檙e not careful. Hobbies that involve maggots are out of my comfort zone. But I鈥檓 learning.听

Confidence Level: So-so. I feel like it鈥檚 only a matter of time before I get ahold听of a bad root. Foraging is a skill that takes constant practice. For now听I double-check any food I bring home by using , an app that identifies plant species.听

Key Skill: Clean a Fish

I鈥檝e been fishing for trout in the southern Appalachians and Rocky Mountains for decades, and I鈥檇 still classify my status as a fisherman听as amateur听bordering on hopeless.听Cleaning a fish is a skill that I have avoided completely until now. When I went fishing as a kid, my dad handled the cleaning while I turned away and tried to think pleasant thoughts. As an adult, I鈥檝e stuck to a catch-and-release ethos, so I鈥檝e never cleaned a trout, which feels like a strange thing to say considering I鈥檓 a grown-ass man with kids and a mortgage. I should鈥檝e mastered this skill decades ago, but here I am, having to learn the basics that most Boy Scouts pick up before they hit puberty.听

Cleaning a trout is simple and barbaric at the same time. It involves either cutting the head off the fish or ripping through its jawbone. There are a bunch of different video tutorials out there, but I like this one from the . After practicing on a couple of dead rainbowsI bought from the local fish market, I decided that cutting the head off is the most humane option, but I still find it鈥檚 best to avoid looking directly into the fish鈥檚 eyes. I used my , a Swedish hunting knife that I think is too pretty for regular use but听felt like the right ceremonial blade for my fish sacrifice. (There are dedicated fillet knives out there, but I didn鈥檛 have one, so I just used what was on hand.) Once you make the first puncture, the skin almost peels apart on its own. You have to keep the cut shallow so you don鈥檛 puncture the organs as you cut from the butt of the fish to its gills, but pulling most of the guts out with your fingers isn鈥檛 hard; most of them are connected and come out in a string. The entrails felt听like guilt between my fingers. After that听you have to take your thumbnail and separate the long kidney from the spine of the fish, a bloody job that left me feeling like Lady Macbeth trying to scrub dirty deeds from my hands.听

Cleaning the fish might have tested my morality, but it wasn鈥檛 difficult in a technical sense. The real art and mastery come with filleting the fish, a delicate process that听feels like听performing surgery, because you have to cut away the rib bones without sacrificing much meat. This is where my amateurism reared its ugly head, and I mutilated the first couple of fish I tried this on. The slabs of trout looked like tartar, and I听had to pick through some of the smaller pin bones听when I was eating.听

Still, I was so proud that I called my father to brag. As far as I鈥檓 concerned, cleaning my听first fish is a ceremonial accomplishment that signifies to the world that I鈥檓听finally听a real man, like a messier bar mitzvah.听

Confidence Level: High. My fillets might not be pretty, but this is the end of days we鈥檙e talking about, so food doesn鈥檛 have to be good-looking. Killing a fish with my own bare hands is a different matter. It鈥檚 a process that involves either whipping its head against a rock or bludgeoning it with a thick stick. My son and I had some luck on a recent fishing adventure in , in North Carolina,听landing a couple of rainbows on my Tenkara rod, but I couldn鈥檛 bring myself to off the fish. I鈥檒l maintain a catch-and-release ethos for now鈥攐r until I actually need to kill fish for sustenance.

Key Skill: Tie Knots听

My lack of knot-tying skills has held me back as an adventure athlete. I can muddle my way through a figure eight听during听infrequent climbing trips, but I always feel better if I ask my听partner to double-check my work, like a ten-year-old in summer camp. And it鈥檚 not just climbing; knots are everywhere鈥攖hey keep your hook on your line when you鈥檙e fishing, your boat on your car when you鈥檙e headed to the put-in, your food out of reach of bears when you鈥檙e camping. My father, an aeronautical engineer with a mind for minutiae, tried to teach me various knots throughout my entire childhood. They never stuck.听

Fortunately, knot tying might be the easiest skill to learn at home during a pandemic. There are plenty of kits that come with how-to books and rope, most of which are geared toward听kids, but you can start practicing with a shoestring or some yarn. I tried using a book called , but I found the pictures and instructions weren鈥檛 descriptive enough听and ended up feeling frustrated,听wondering out loud why we don鈥檛 just use more Velcro in the world. Then I found , a website featuring听animated tutorials that walk you through every step of hundreds of useful knots, allowing you to pause and retrace the moves听until you get them听down. There鈥檚 even an for your iPhone.听

The content is organized by activity (climbing, sailing, etc.), but I focused on knots that have plagued me over the past 40 years鈥攖hings like the clove hitch and bowline, two of the most useful knots for securing the end of a line. I cut two pieces of thin rope and worked my way through a few tutorials. I can鈥檛 accurately describe the feeling of satisfaction that comes from successfully tying a clove hitch around a听pen for the first time. But I鈥檒l say that,听on my personal list of accomplishments, it lies somewhere between learning how to parallel park and holding my children for the first time.听

My capacity to screw up the double fisherman鈥檚 knot is astounding. When tied correctly, it鈥檚 a beautiful example of symmetry, two pieces of rope joined together with equal links. I occasionally get it right, but most of the time it looks like a monkey with anger issues attacked the rope. I have the most success when I try not to overthink the process, which means I have to slip into a sort of mellow听Zen state. I find that singing a song helps to keep my mind occupied. 鈥淪loop John B鈥 or 鈥淵ellow Submarine鈥 are good options. I鈥檓 hoping it鈥檚 just a matter of tying and retying the same knot until muscle memory kicks in.听

(For those who are wondering, Grog is a real person and the closest thing the knot-tying world has to a celebrity. His real name is Alan Grogono, he鈥檚 85,听and he comes from a long family of sailors, doctors, and knot enthusiasts. He鈥檚 a retired anesthesiologist who at one time held听a world sailing speed record. He also has a sister website that鈥檚 all about folding napkins for different occasions, which as fascinating as it sounds, probably won鈥檛 come in handy when things go sour.)听

Confidence Level: Low. For some reason, I can learn the knots just fine听but forget them the next day. Maybe I need to spend more time practicing and less time Googling 鈥渇etish knots for beginners.鈥澨

Key Skill: Learn听Basic First Aid

My wife is a nurse practitioner, so I have the habit of turning to her whenever someone gets stung by a bee, breaks a toe, or starts choking on a pretzel. She can save people鈥檚 lives, but I鈥檓 tall and can reach things on the top shelf, so we鈥檙e sort of even. Still, I want to be useful when someone gets hurt, and I鈥檝e been putting off getting my Wilderness First Responder certificate for far too long. To get moving in the right direction, I signed up for an online first aid听and CPR course with the . It only cost $32 and took a few hours, but I had to spread the lessons out over three days because I have the attention span of an untrained puppy.听

The lessons are a series of slide-show instructions followed by animated 鈥渕issions,鈥 where you respond to real-life scenarios: Karen is having a seizure in a food court, or Barry suffered a severe laceration at the factory, or Diane is a听diabetic who听feels dizzy in the grocery store. There鈥檚 a realistic听aspect to it: you navigate the scene and make decisions on what actions to take. Should you apply pressure to Barry鈥檚 laceration right away听or ask about his medical history first? Should you give Diane milk or orange juice?听Sometimes a bystander in the scenario will offer bad advice, like telling you to put a wallet in Karen鈥檚 mouth while she鈥檚 seizing. Stupid bystander.听

The majority of first aid is knowing the , which basically keeps you from doing anything dumb before a real professional shows up. It鈥檚 been fun reliving some of my own injuries over the years鈥攆rostbite on my toes, a dislocated shoulder on a mountain-bike trail, hypothermia while bushwhacking well into the night鈥攁nd realizing I handled all of them poorly. (Apparently, drinking whiskey is not the proper response to any of those scenarios.)听

I got pretty excited during the tutorial about applying tourniquets, and my favorite scenario was when Zach听cut himself in the gym and went into shock. I felt like a doctor when I applied pressure and dressed his wound, laid him down, covered him with a blanket, and comforted him. I have a wonderful virtual bedside manner. If anyone gets hurt in a video game, I know what to do.听But听I blew it during the Severe External Bleeding: Advanced Skill Practice听mission. I checked the scene for hazards (a bloody knife was on the floor), but I forgot to send the bystander to call 911. Rookie mistake.听

This is the听same class that most teenagers take when they鈥檙e hoping to land babysitting gigs, so it鈥檚 not like I鈥檓 an EMT or anything. But of all of the skills I鈥檓 trying to learn, basic CPR might be the most valuable, and it鈥檚 gotten me stoked to continue my education after the pandemic subsides. Given the amount of time I鈥檓 in the woods doing stupid shit, I should鈥檝e become a Wilderness First Responder decades ago. Now听I鈥檓 determined to make it happen. I鈥檓 probably not going to be a great hunter during the apocalypse (see: my inability to kill a fish). But maybe I can save someone鈥檚 life听or, at the very least, keep a cut from getting infected.听

Confidence Level: So-so. Virtual lessons are fine, but there鈥檚 no substitute for practicing on one of those dummies, and my wife won鈥檛 let me perform CPR or tie tourniquets on our children. But at least I have a sense of听the steps I鈥檇 need to take in a variety of different situations, and I鈥檓 looking forward听to听getting a real first aid education when this is all over.

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