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Attention: the Editors Have Left the Building
Celebrating two decades of accuracy, prescience, and gentility. Or something like that.
By Adam Horowitz
If only we could attribute it to a newborn keeping us up all night. Jupiter aligned with Orion’s Belt during a full Moon. Even a really long bender. Nope, the simple fact is that over the last 20 years, there have been times when we seem to have taken leave of our senses for no good reason at all. Admittedly, it can be painful for us to laugh at
our mistakes. We’re sure, however, that you’ll have no such problem.
You go, girl!
With a keen eye toward couture both stylish and practical, we heap high praise on the revolutionary QP-Pants, designed to help women relieve themselves in the great outdoors. “Simply pull apart the Velcro inner leg seams 鈥 no need to pull down the rugged khakis,” we enthuse. “Of course, QP-Pants are also conducive to impromptu outdoor trysts; the initials can mean more than
‘quality products.'” (December 1978)
And in other news, Salman Khomeini was spotted at Bennigans “downing a couple of beers and amicably discussing theology” with his old pal, the Ayatollah Rushdie.
In an article aptly titled “Truth Be Told, They Lied,” a photograph of Frederick Cook identifies the polar explorer as Admiral Robert Peary 鈥 Cook’s rival and arch-nemesis. (May 1997)
A helluva guy.
国产吃瓜黑料 lauds mountaineer Tomo Cesen for “conquering the ‘last great problem’ of the Himalayas,” the South Face of Lhotse. Subsequently, another great problem emerged: Many in the climbing community, including no higher authority than Reinhold Messner, now support claims 鈥 first raised shortly after the ascent 鈥 that Cesen faked his
photographic evidence and did not in fact reach the summit. (October 1990)
Onion rings, a cheeseburger with extra E. coli, and thou.
In a move that doubtless propelled many readers to dazzling first-date heights, Jack in the Box is recommended for moderate-priced dining in a section on attaining “Beach Cool.” (August 1987)
Somehow, the fledgling health-club industry managed to survive.
Perhaps still rubbing the sleep from our eyes, we endorse the cutting-edge fitness wisdom of Do It in Bed, a book that purports to get you in shape without subjecting your body to the rigors of, well, exercise. Helpful addendum for our loyal subscribers: “You can do these things anywhere you happen to wake up. For you 国产吃瓜黑料 readers, that probably
means a sleeping bag.” (January 1984)
If you pull our curly tails, do we not shriek “oink”?
In the aforementioned section on coastal suave, we strive to reassure the dubious with a pearl of ERA-era wisdom. “If you find yourself questioning your commitment to beach cool, remember this: It is a statistical fact that the average lifeguard, over the course of a single summer, will make it with more fabulous babes than the combined efforts of a midsize Wall Street brokerage
firm over the course of an entire year.”
No, we mean it, he really is a great guy.
Tomo Cesen nabs a runner-up spot in our annual 国产吃瓜黑料r of the Year awards.
(January 1991)
You heard it here first.
“The bicycle of the future is fast, comfortable, and superefficient,” 国产吃瓜黑料 proclaims in modest 18-point type. “Soon you’ll be able to cruise to work at 60 mph in a Human Powered Vehicle that makes today’s ten-speeds look thoroughly anachronistic.” (April 1981)
Bet the farm: We have a feeling.
In an Olympic preview issue, 国产吃瓜黑料 sets odds against American kayaker Scott Shipley not winning a gold medal at 100-to-1. Shipley would go on to a rousing 12th-place finish. (August 1996)
No, seriously, if you only got to know him, you’d see that he really is one of the finest individuals you’d ever care to meet.
An article entitled “Sweetheart of the Himalayas” anoints Tomo Cesen “the greatest mountaineer in the world.” (April 1991)
If you lead us to a trough, will we not wallow?
In an article about a volunteer cleanup effort on Idaho’s Salmon River, we get to the bottom of the late-seventies do-gooder ethos. “As the day warmed, most of us shed our shirts, and backs began to glisten. BLM officials steadied their cameras, anxiously capturing the feminine highlights of the event.” (April 1978)
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