Let鈥檚 admit it: We all gossip. You and your neighbor break down the details of the couple moving in next door. Your group chat is filled with the latest intel on your ex鈥檚 new partner. You and your co-worker sometimes just need to rant about your boss鈥檚 latest request.
Gossip is our way of staying connected and sharing information with each other. It isn鈥檛 inherently bad, but it does have the potential to turn unhealthy. Spotting the difference between harmless chitchat and malicious rumors can save your mental health鈥攁nd your relationships.
What Is Gossip?
It鈥檚 simple. Gossip occurs when you have a conversation about another person who is not present, says , a licensed professional counselor and professor of psychology at Grand Canyon University in Phoenix. Typically, what鈥檚 shared tends to be of a personal, intimate, or sensationalized nature and may include judgment or criticism of the person being discussed. For example, you may hear that a coworker has a history of stealing ideas and taking credit for them. In this instance, gossip and who might take advantage of you (i.e.on鈥檛 share the presentation with him before sending it to your boss).
鈥淕ossip can be true or speculative, positive or negative, but a key characteristic is that it tends to be based on information that isn鈥檛 widely known,鈥 says , a licensed clinical social worker and the founder and CEO of .
What Do We Get Wrong About Gossip?
Gossip isn鈥檛 always negative. When you鈥檙e sharing messages on Slack with your coworkers or gabbing in person, your discussions may be harmless and often even positive, especially when they include praise or compliments. Gossip turns negative when it鈥檚 used to tarnish someone鈥檚 reputation or is based on unfounded rumors.
The Three Types of Gossip
1. Positive Gossip
If you鈥檝e connected with a new friend or coworker after a gossip session, you鈥檙e not the only one. 鈥淪haring information creates a sense of camaraderie as you bond over topics that are sensitive or captivating,鈥 Felder says. Gossip can be a way to test the waters鈥攁nd gain helpful insights. Discussing a friend who quit her job before having another lined up may prompt your conversation partners to share their own concerns about finances or making rash decisions. You could leave the conversation feeling validated about your own opinion and even more understanding of the perspectives of others.
2. Neutral Gossip
This type of conversation doesn’t have to fall to an extreme. It could just be informational. A published in Social Psychological and Personality Science found that gossip was more likely to be neutral than positive or negative.
The researchers noted that neutral gossip tended to be about mundane (and often boring) topics, like how someone watched a lot of movies to stay current. For example, mentioning to your partner that your friend recently got a promotion is merely conveying information without evaluating whether it鈥檚 good or bad news. In this case, you鈥檙e reserving judgment about whether your friend deserved the promotion鈥攐r simply got lucky. You鈥檙e simply updating.
3. Negative Gossip
Traditionally, the word 鈥済ossip鈥 conjures up negativity, and there are certainly times when it can be hurtful and damaging to relationships, Fedrick says. For example, after a frustrating conversation with a friend, you may mention to your mutual acquaintance that this person seemed rude and unstable. Even if this comment was the reflection of your less-than-ideal chat, rather than an objective reflection, your confidant may continue to hold judgment on your friend.
Life isn鈥檛 perfect, and sharing the messy parts is normal. But negativity can reflect poorly on you. To avoid veering into negative gossip, try shifting into a problem-solving approach. By offering a warning, fixing a situation, or exploring how to resolve a conflict, you focus on a specific case example, instead of harming someone鈥檚 personal reputation.
What Can You Do If Negative Gossip Is Making You Uncomfortable?
Even if gossip isn鈥檛 harmful from time to time, that doesn鈥檛 mean you鈥檙e obligated to grin and bear negative comments. Set conversational boundaries as needed.
Keep in mind people gossip for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes they鈥檙e trying to gain acceptance by showing that they鈥檙e part of the in-group, or it could be that they鈥檙e simply bored. Whatever the reason, if they鈥檙e making you uncomfortable, stay true to yourself. You can鈥檛 control other people, but you always decline to participate, Felder adds.