While many Russian Olympians dodged a bullet after the International Olympic Committee 聽the entire country's team from Rio, one group, track and field, was not so lucky. A blanket ban for all but one athlete, first enacted in November 2015, has remained, and that should be the end of the story.
But it鈥檚 not. Russian President Vladimir Putin, while聽failing to acknowledge that the ban might have something to do with the fact that the state聽basically offered a gift basket of聽syringes to every athlete,聽 the ban was 鈥渁 dangerous relapse of politics intruding into sports.鈥 And so聽on Thursday, Russia聽聽its own聽national track meet聽in which all her would-be Olympians competed against each other.聽I am beyond聽eager to see the results.
One can only assume聽that Thursday's聽all-Russian Olympics exhibited聽the聽peak of human performance. With the level of alleged obfuscation the country took to hide its PED usage鈥攆rom glory holes used to swap samples to outright changing positive results to negative鈥擱ussian athletes have basically been聽able to take just about anything they can stuff into themselves. Results from this meet聽have not been published, so if you'll indulge me for a second, here's my pitch for how the event should have gone down.
I鈥檇 first聽want to see Yelena Isinbaeva, who currently holds the . When she was informed that she would not be permitted to compete in Rio, she had been preparing to jump 鈥渘ot lower than聽5.1 meters,鈥 or just聽above her own world record of 5.06 meters (16.7 feet). In Thursday鈥檚 competition, when Isinbaeva vaulted, let's hope she did聽it over an upright semi truck, daylight between her and its nose.
Elsewhere in field events, instead of the standard nine-pound women鈥檚 shot put, athletes should have聽used the severed heads of World Anti-Doping Association inspectors. Since the average human head only weighs ten or eleven聽pounds, we would expect shorter distances from the ladies. But the men, who are used to a 16-pound shot, could聽be able to really put some air under there.
The javelin competition聽was surely聽electric to fans in those trackside seats opposite the launching pad. One good throw and you could have a conversation with a quivering shaft, . Even if under-thrown, there could still be some excitement, as the javelin is usually held concurrently with the distance races. I can think of no better example of the resilience of the human spirit鈥攅verything the Olympics are about鈥攖han a runner pulling a spear from his side and casting it aside like a spent Gu packet as he or she surges to catch the lead pack.
It鈥檚 true that Russia has never been strong at sprints, but now, with access to steroids so powerful that even horse trainers grow uneasy, that could change. I want to see athletes on such potent PED cocktails that they either run world-leading times or burst a blood vessel 50 meters in. Hamstrings will fly from the bone like a long balloon with the end untied. You say that you鈥檇 given your life to the sport? Now is the time to prove it.
Finally, track fans know firsthand that the 4×400-meter relay is one of the most exciting events, as it pairs teamwork with the athleticism of the long sprint. President Putin鈥攚ho has not denied that he will not do this鈥攃ould take the anchor leg (shirtless, of course), and, should he lose, annex the other team鈥檚 ancestral homeland. A victory lap would be taken atop a white tiger.
Just because Russia鈥檚 track and field athletes won鈥檛 be traveling to Rio doesn鈥檛 mean they can鈥檛 put on a show. I, for one, am eager to see the times, distances, and heights the athletes can achieve by any means necessary.