Welcome to Tough Love. Every other week, we鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of . Have a question of your own? Write to us at toughlove@outsidemag.com.
Q: Full disclosure: I have built almost my entire identity around my love of rock climbing. So after I dated this guy for about a month and really started to like him, I was eager to take him to my favorite outdoor wall. He鈥檚 big into skiing and has climbed only a few times, but he seemed excited about it. By maybe the third time we went out to climb, I realized that he鈥檚 really not a good climber at all鈥攁nd he realized he鈥檚 just not that into the vertical lifestyle. He鈥檚 fine tagging along, but as he told me, 鈥淚鈥檓 just not ever going to be a serious climber.鈥 I get that, but here鈥檚 the thing: I always thought 鈥渓oves climbing鈥 was a make-or-break quality in dating prospects. How do I come to terms with the fact that I like everything about him鈥攅xcept for that one huge point?
鈥擲izing Up the Problem
If I were this guy, I wouldn鈥檛 be into climbing either. It sounds like he was totally supportive of you as an athlete and psyched to learn about your sport, only to disappoint you when he tried it himself. It must have been an awful feeling. Imagine if you were new to skiing and took a go at the bunny slope, only to watch his face fall when you couldn鈥檛 (and didn鈥檛 want to) huck cliffs. Nobody鈥檚 good at something when they first start, but that doesn鈥檛 mean they鈥檙e bad at it. They鈥檙e beginners. They鈥檙e learning. In this case, your guy is learning about climbing鈥攁nd you鈥檙e learning about yourself.
Here鈥檚 a chance to figure out whether you鈥檝e built your identity around your love of rock climbing or around being good at it. There鈥檚 no shame either way; you deserve to be proud of your accomplishments. If your identity rests purely on love of the sport, consider whether it would be enough to have your partner at your favorite wall, watching and/or learning at his own pace. If your identity rests more on skill, remember that you鈥檙e badass regardless of who you date. It鈥檚 exciting to be part of a power couple, but it doesn鈥檛 change who you are as a climber.
So picture this: Maybe the person you wake up with every morning doesn鈥檛 need to be the same person you simul-climb El Capitan with. Maybe he just needs to be there cheering when you get back down. Or maybe that thought breaks your heart just a little. And there, hon, is your answer.
Q: I鈥ve recently started seeing one of the guys I often climb with. We both have a lot of common interests, he鈥s sexy as hell, and he鈥s a competent climber (which is why I agreed to date him in the first place). But he doesn鈥t have the important traits I need in a long-term romantic partner. Problem is, our friends are super excited to see us together, and he really likes me, so I鈥m having a hard time figuring out a tactful way to break off the romantic part of our relationship without jeopardizing our friendships (and joint gym time).
鈥擝eta, Please
The tactful way to break up is to do it as soon as possible, before the relationship builds momentum. Accept that this guy will be sad and that he鈥檒l need space for a while; if he always climbs on Wednesdays, start going on Thursdays instead, at least for a few weeks. There are always losses in a breakup, and this scheduling inconvenience is yours. Still, remember that you鈥檝e done nothing wrong. Even if your friends are disappointed, if they鈥檙e good friends, they shouldn鈥檛 be disappointed in you.
Q: Are there appropriate places to break up outdoors?
There鈥檚 no good place to dump someone, and outdoors is far from the worst, because you have relative privacy and it鈥檚 a neutral space (read: nobody鈥檚 bedroom). Plus, there鈥檚 all that overwhelming majesty of nature, which can make human traumas feel very slightly less devastating. Still, as with any breakup, take precautions. Be firm, be kind, and make sure that each person can get home on their own鈥攁nd is carrying their own water source.
Q: Who gets to keep the dog?
Whoever had the dog first and/or spent the most time taking care of it. If you鈥檙e even, then the dumpee gets the dog.
Q: I want to break up, but I love my soon-to-be-ex鈥s dog. Can I volunteer to be the dogsitter?
I hate to say this鈥攂ut no, absolutely not. Kiss that snout one last time, and let your ex heal in peace.
Your turn鈥攁sk away at toughlove@outsidemag.com.