Welcome to听Tough Love. Every other week, we鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of听. Have a question of your own? Write to us at听toughlove@outsideim.com.
I have an incredibly close relationship with my family. I came out as gay a couple of years ago and they were warm and welcoming. I moved abroad about a year after coming out and met my now fianc茅e. My parents have always been amazing to her and love her very much. They treat her like she is family.
They voted for Trump. I don鈥檛 like it, but I also believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinion. We鈥檝e not really dwelled on our differing political opinions and over the past three years I鈥檝e mostly used humor to cover up the real horror stories that lie beneath the surface.听
My fianc茅e听and I live in Germany. That means I get free healthcare (which is incredible because I have an autoimmune disease). My fianc茅e听is German, so it makes sense to stay here for now, but we also like to think of the future. I have been researching American policies on visas for same-sex partners. It seems that as long as Trump or anyone who follows his type of administration is in office, my fianc茅e听and I will not be legally allowed to move back to the United States as long as we want to stay together.
Recently my mom and I were having our weekly FaceTime session and I was wearing an Elizabeth Warren shirt. She joked that I wore the shirt to spite her, then started nagging me about Trump. I got brave and told her that I wouldn鈥檛 ever be able to move back to America as long as he was in office because they were rejecting everyone and听my fianc茅e听likely wouldn鈥檛 get a visa,听and she said, 鈥渨ell, that鈥檚 the lesser of two evils.鈥 And it shocked me. It hurt me. Deeply. My mother is an educated woman. She鈥檚 smart, witty, and she鈥檚 aways taught me and my sister that we can do anything we set our mind to. She鈥檚 an educator and has championed for the underdog. My dad is the same way. He鈥檇 give the shirt off his back to anyone who needed it. So I don鈥檛 get this mindset. I truly don鈥檛.
What advice do you have for someone who loves their family tremendously, gets all the love and support in the world from them, until it comes to Donald Trump and they鈥檇 choose me, my fianc茅e, and our future family living on the other side of the world as the lesser of two evils?
What is this apocryphal greater evil? What left-wing agenda could your parents possibly believe is more damaging than forcing their own daughter to either live a continent away from her beloved family or to be separated from her wife and, possibly, her future children? Seriously, what is worse than that? The people we love, the lives we love, are the point of everything. Even the most sensitive right-wing issues, like gun access and closed borders, are framed鈥攊n theory, at least鈥攁round the idea of being able to protect one鈥檚 family, and yet your mom is rejecting that very value. That you鈥檝e managed for so long to maintain your close relationship without confrontation speaks wonders to both your compartmentalization skills and to your ability to absorb pain and fear out听of respect for your loved ones, something that your parents seem completely unwilling to do.
First things first: you should speak with an American immigration lawyer immediately. As you know, legal immigration has become听 over the past few years, with at sky-high rates. As of 2015, married couples should have equal immigration rights regardless of gender; but Trump has been protections for LGBTQ people, including visa rights for . I don't know the details of your situation, but you may be able to take precautions, or jump through certain hoops, in order to maintain your and your fianc茅e鈥檚 options down the line. Don鈥檛 wait for your parents鈥 support; don鈥檛 count on a new administration; plan for the worst and be ready to act fast if need be.
Now, back to your parents.
Here鈥檚 the thing: Voting听is not symbolic. It鈥檚 not a gesture. It is a tangible step toward putting a candidate鈥檚 policies into action, and it makes you, as a citizen, responsible for the effects of those policies. If your father would give the shirt off his back to anyone who needs it, but his vote supports , then he would not, in fact, give the shirt off his back to anyone who needs it. If your mom is a champion for the underdog who supports an administration that , then,听in fact,听she is a champion for the powerful and cruel. And not only have your parents stood by these choices, but,听in the face of their own child facing consequences from the same administration, they鈥檙e doubling down.
Parent-child relationships have been severed over far less, and you would be fully entitled, as a human with both practical and emotional needs, to turn your back on a family that has鈥攜es, in very real ways鈥攖urned its back on you. But it sounds like that鈥檚 not what you want. And while I have no sympathy for your parents in this scenario, I have all the sympathy in the world for you, and I don鈥檛 want your family of origin, whom you so clearly love and respect, to be yet another thing stolen from you by this administration.
I suspect you wore your Warren shirt on purpose, at least on some level, because you can鈥檛 keep hiding your reality from your parents. They want you to seem okay because it lets them off the hook, but they don鈥檛 actually care enough about you being okay to reevaluate their politics. They鈥檝e put you in a terrible position, and it鈥檚 time to lay everything on the table.
It might be tempting to confront their position with a logical, politically-sound case, but I suspect that your most effective strategy here, if you want your parents to step up and act like parents, is to speak to them not as a fellow citizen but as a daughter. People can argue with statistics, but they can鈥檛 argue with stories, and it鈥檚 time for your parents to face yours. You could choose to either speak with them or write a letter. Depending on your sister鈥檚 politics, you might ask her鈥攐r your fianc茅e鈥攖o be another beloved face in the room (or on the Skype screen), holding your parents accountable to the story in front of them.
Tell your parents how you feel. Speak to the parts of them that you grew up admiring, the compassion and generosity that they raised you to uphold. Tell them how much it means to you that they鈥檝e embraced your fianc茅e, but that that embrace feels shallow if they won鈥檛 take a stand to protect your rights. Tell them how you dream of your future kids growing up close to their grandparents, singing along with your mom鈥檚 guitar and making your dad鈥檚 famous spaghetti sauce, and you鈥檙e scared that they鈥檒l never get the chance鈥攖hat you鈥檒l never get that chance together. Ask them for help finding ways to live on the same continent. If you want to beg, beg. This is what you want from life. This is what you need from them. This is what it means, what it takes, for them to love you.
And then give them some space. Let them know that you will not be reaching out again until they have sat with your situation, with the gravity of your fear, and have decided how they want to respond.
Maybe compassion will win, and they鈥檒l begin to understand. It won鈥檛 be fast, but deep change rarely is.听
If not, if they still believe that their daughter鈥檚 suffering is a lesser evil, then your relationship is going to look different. It鈥檚 up to you to determine an amount of contact with them that builds up your life rather than erodes it; that might mean you choose to maintain regular Skype dates, or it might mean taking a step back and focusing instead on the loved ones who support you. Either way, you need to stop covering up, as you put it, the real horror stories. It鈥檚 not your job to pretend to be okay.
Whatever happens鈥攁nd I hope for you, with my whole heart, that your parents come around鈥攜our relationship with them will finally be honest. It鈥檚 the least you deserve, the least any child deserves. I hope you get all you deserve and more.