That鈥檚 right. I know, it鈥檚 hot outside, and perhaps if I took a Lyft to meet you for coffee or lunch, I might not be so sweaty when I arrived. Perhaps I would not have sweat stains on my shirt under my backpack straps because I biked or walked to the coffee shop or restaurant. Perhaps I should give a fuck?
OK, I will give one, but not a whole one. I will give enough of a fuck to wear a dark-colored T-shirt that will somewhat mask the sweat until it dries, which might be near the end of our meeting. Hope that works for you. Perhaps not.
I know, I know, according to anti-perspirant commercials, I am not supposed to sweat. I am supposed to remain cool and confident at all situations, never let them see me sweat, never sweat while wearing a dress shirt. Guess what? I am confident. Confident that it鈥檚 hot as balls outside, and I am not going to treat myself like I鈥檓 a goddamn pint of ice cream all summer and rush from air-conditioned place to air-conditioned place so I don鈥檛 melt. And it鈥檚 going to be OK.
It is July, and I will be sweating in various amounts whenever I move around in the out-of-doors until at least mid-September. Actually, I will be sweating in various amounts year-round for the rest of my life because that is a perfectly normal thing to do if you are a human being. And you have probably done it, too. Because you鈥檙e not a dog, which cools itself by panting, or a pig, which cools itself by wallowing in mud. You, human being, have sweat glands, and should not be ashamed to use them. If people at the gym make you feel self-conscious about sweating, those people have a fundamental misunderstanding of the purpose of the gym. The gym is not a Tinder profile photo, or a nightclub. People are there to improve, and to improve, you often have to sweat. Please wipe off the machines when you鈥檙e finished sweating all the fuck over them, you beautiful badass.
Does it smell bad? I mean, sweat smells, but have you smelled a deer carcass that鈥檚 been rotting on the side of the road for a couple weeks? That鈥檚 bad. Like no amount of Right Guard is going to cover that up. Now, sweat? I mean, it鈥檚 no bouquet of daffodils, but it鈥檚 also no rotting deer carcass. I think we can handle it. If you鈥檙e a little grossed out by someone wearing a t-shirt with a few spots of sweat on it, take a step back and think about it. It鈥檚 just sweat. I can guarantee you that that person鈥檚 shirt, no matter how sweaty it is, is a lot more clean than probably 50 percent of the hands of the men leaving airport restrooms.
Know the one proven method to cure yourself of sweating permanently? Death. That鈥檚 right, after death, you will never again find yourself sweating during a yoga class, five-mile jog, or work presentation. Death is 500 percent more effective than the leading underarm antiperspirants at stopping sweat where it starts.
Maybe you鈥檙e someone who says, 鈥淚 don鈥檛 like to get sweaty,鈥 which is your own prerogative. I don鈥檛 really like to get sweaty either, but I like to exercise more than I don鈥檛 like to get sweaty.聽 So I鈥檓 going to sweat, thank you very much. And so are you sometimes, whether you want to admit it or not. So maybe don鈥檛 worry so much about it.