Welcome to Tough Love. Every other week, we鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of . Have a question of your own? Write to us at toughlove@outsidemag.com.
This cute girl and I are playing the like game on Instagram. She鈥檚 the kind of person who鈥檚 always on an adventure, and I live in the middle of nowhere in Alaska. Sometimes we鈥檙e in the same place, but mostly we just both like each other鈥檚 posts. What can you do? At one point I聽called her, and she seemed really excited, and I thought it was awesome, and we talked for hours. It was a great conversation. But then it was 鈥淚 might lose ya, bad signal here,鈥 and nothing after that. That was three weeks ago. Now we鈥檙e back to liking.聽The last picture I posted, she liked聽immediately. I don鈥檛 know how to do this modern crap mixed with this adventure crap. It鈥檚 two subcultures smashed together. It seems like nature is more predictable than the human heart.
My hunch? This girl is into you, and she also has no idea if you鈥檙e interested. An hours-long conversation doesn鈥檛 happen without chemistry, but you haven鈥檛 called her since, and Instagram likes are too impersonal to be a reliable mode of flirtation. Call her again, or start a text conversation. Heck, invite her to come on an adventure in Alaska. If she鈥檚 interested, she鈥檒l find a way to make it happen鈥攐r at least she鈥檒l take the cue to bring your long-distance correspondence to a new level. If she鈥檚 not, she鈥檒l politely decline, and you can go back to liking each other鈥檚 posts with renewed clarity.
Here I am, a 26-year-old who was in a serious relationship until about two years ago. Since then聽my ex and I have gone back and forth four or five聽times, each time with him ending things for whatever reason he deemed OK. Why do I go back time and time again? Because he鈥檚 exactly the kind of guy I want: he loves all outdoor activities, we laugh a lot, and the naked time is all-time number one. We broke up because a lot of things were going on and he couldn鈥檛 take it, and he doesn鈥檛 seem to be able to commit. I have tried to get over him. I鈥檝e dated different guys, subjected myself to a barrage of Tinder meetings, spent time alone on solo trips, and even become part of outdoor groups. I live in a town where everyone seems to have found someone, and every 鈥渙utdoorsman鈥 I鈥檝e met seems to think that the idea of doing stuff outside means聽just hiking in the foothills behind our city. I鈥檓 at my wit鈥檚 end. Any suggestions on finding (and getting over) guys without moving to a new city?
Instead of focusing on finding a new guy, focus on being OK聽with being single. Give yourself a time period鈥攕ay, three months鈥攁nd pledge not to go on a single date. While you鈥檙e at it, commit to quitting all contact with your ex, and ask friends to hold you accountable. If he鈥檚 broken up with you five times, he鈥檒l do it again, and anyway, he鈥檚 not the kind of person you want to spend your life with. Anyone can have a bit of on and off, but at this point he鈥檚 being straight-up selfish: he wants you when he wants you, he doesn鈥檛 when he doesn鈥檛, and he doesn鈥檛 care about your feelings along the way.
For now聽take on projects that make you feel good, whether you鈥檙e training for a wilderness trip, learning to play a musical instrument, whatever. Try a new sport. Bake pies. Binge-watch . Volunteer at a program that gets youth outdoors. You know what you won鈥檛 be doing? Waiting for your ex to call聽or dating new folks for the purpose of getting over him, which will doom any fledgling relationship from the start. Each time you feel sad or lonely, do something that might be harder to do with a boyfriend, like rewatching your favorite movie or planning a trip with friends. Your goal is to set up a new normal, in which your own joys and dreams come first.
At the end of three months, if you want, you can date again. This time聽though, you won鈥檛 be looking for a guy who reminds you of your ex: funny, sexy, outdoorsy, whatever. You鈥檒l be looking for a relationship that鈥檚 better than being single,聽better than being able to do exactly what you want, whenever you choose. After all, you already have a funny, sexy, outdoorsy person in your life鈥攁nd she鈥檚 not going anywhere.
I鈥檓 dating a guy who says my backpacking trips are 鈥渞unning away,鈥 but I don鈥檛 feel like I鈥檓 running away from anything.
This dude is projecting. Time to run away from him.