Welcome to聽Tough Love. Every other week, we鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of聽. Have a question of your own? Write to us at聽toughlove@outsideim.com.
Early in the semester, my friend invited me to take a saltwater kayaking class offered through our university, which consists of about a month of skills classes (once a week) followed by a weekend trip on the coast. I have done some canoeing and the trip seemed exciting. This class always fills quickly聽because it only has eight slots, but my friend and I paid our deposits on the day sign-ups opened and we both made it in. The instructor sent an email introducing himself and explaining the agenda.
It turns out that the first two class sessions take place in the gym pool and we are supposed to wear swimsuits. This sounds stupid, but I haven鈥檛 worn a swimsuit in years because I feel self conscious about my body, enough that I would have thought twice about signing up if I had known. That makes me sound repressed but the truth is that I just do activities other than swimming, and it has never been an issue. Maybe I should have known, but I pictured the class happening outside. I don鈥檛 even own a swimsuit. It sounds insignificant when I write it out, but I鈥檓 just not sure the best way to handle this. I wish I could聽forget about it like everyone else.聽
This doesn鈥檛 sound insignificant at all. Going into a situation where your body is more visible than usual鈥攚hatever that means for you鈥攃an absolutely be a big deal. And I suspect that more people are self-conscious in a swimsuit than not, and many folks who strike you as confident are just good at hiding it.
I鈥檓 glad you signed up for the kayaking class聽before encountering this swimsuit issue, because it sounds like a lot of fun and I think you鈥檒l be happy you did it. I also think you should confide in your friend, because the experience will be way easier if you know someone鈥檚 got your back. If I were you, I鈥檇 sit down and tell your friend the same thing you told me: that you didn鈥檛 realize the class involved wearing a swimsuit, and you feel silly admitting it, but the whole thing鈥檚 got you anxious. (Even though, objectively, your feelings aren鈥檛 silly, acknowledging your insecurities about your insecurities is a) honest and b) cues your friend to be extra gentle in her response.)
Then ask your friend to help you pick a swimsuit.
This second part is key. You can either choose a day to go shopping together or order a bunch of returnable options online so that you can try them on in the privacy of your home, possibly while drinking wine, if that鈥檚 your thing. Try on bikinis, one-pieces, board shorts, whatever. If you want to cover more skin, look for a rash guard and a swim skirt. Remember that no decent person cares what you wear to swim. When you find options that you hate less than the others, model them for your friend so she can hype you up and remind you how gorgeous you are. Maybe your friend hasn鈥檛 seen much of your skin before. OK,聽then modeling for her might be scary. But it鈥檚 important. And it鈥檒l be all right, I promise. Your friend has a pretty good idea how you look鈥攁nd she adores you. You鈥檙e not alone in this process anymore. You and your friend are a team.
When the big Swimsuit Day comes, meet up beforehand so you can go to the pool together. Coming out of the locker room鈥攐r dropping your towel, or whatever the moment is that you and your human body become publicly visible鈥攎ay feel absolutely terrifying and it will also be over quickly. Smile at your friend. She鈥檚 already seen you like this, and she鈥檚 the only other person in the room that matters. Other people will probably turn to look, because that鈥檚 what we do when someone walks into a room, but that doesn鈥檛 mean they鈥檙e judging you. They鈥檙e probably not. Or they鈥檙e noticing your smile, or your neat swimsuit. There is, of course, a small possibility that someone in the room will look at you and think to themselves, 鈥淚 do not like that person鈥檚 body,鈥 which is a shitty judgment that聽has zero impact on your life whatsoever and reflects that person鈥檚 own unresolved issues and/or generally lousy personality. By the time a few seconds have passed, the worst will be over. People know what you look like now, and they鈥檝e gone back to thinking about their own homework or love problems or wet-exit technique, and it鈥檚 time for kayaking class to begin.
Getting through one day in the pool won鈥檛 make your self-consciousness go away. But it will make swimsuit-wearing just a little easier next time, and a little easier the time after that. Take it one class at a time. Each day, bit by bit, you鈥檒l be taking power from your insecurities and putting that power back into your own hands.