Welcome to聽Tough Love. We鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is聽Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of . Have a question of your own? Write to us at聽toughlove@outsideinc.com.
My girlfriend is preparing for a big sporting event (I don鈥檛 want to say what, in case she reads this) and I was thinking of proposing to her at the finish line. I thought she鈥檇 like it, but my friend said it鈥檚 a terrible idea. Is that a terrible idea?
Sporting events are intense and exhausting, with lots of stress, tight schedules, excitement, and even disappointment, and there鈥檚 much to be said for having space around a proposal鈥攖aking time to be together, alone and giddy, before sharing your announcement with the world. And since her sporting event may be a big celebration in its own right, she might not want it to feel overshadowed by a proposal. That said, a lot of people love sharing their excitement with a crowd, so the answer here is really going to come down to your girlfriend鈥檚 preferences and personality. How does she feel about public proposals? (This is聽definitely聽a conversation you should have before giving her one.) Could you casually mention someone else who got engaged at a sporting event and see how she responds? Does she have a sister or friend who could do some recon for you? If you decide to propose at the finish line, it should be because you have a very strong sense that this is聽what she would want, rather than a fun idea in your own head. And if you鈥檙e not positive, you can propose in private first, then ask her if she wants to make it official in public. If you鈥檙e thoughtful and really consider her preferences and wishes, I expect it will go great. And congratulations! That鈥檚 a huge step, and I鈥檒l be sending my best to both of you.
Can you settle a debate between a friend and I? I like to make public art in outdoor spaces out of natural materials. I only use supplies from the environment, for instance by making mandalas out of shells on the beach. When I鈥檓 done, I leave my art there for other people to stumble upon. However, my friend has said multiple times that this is rude and has even called it equivalent to 鈥渓ittering,鈥 which I think is absurd. This has become a point of contention between us and we can鈥檛 seem to agree to the other鈥檚 perspective.聽
I can see both sides of this. Stumbling upon a cairn or a beautiful arrangement of leaves could bring a little burst of magic to someone鈥檚 day, and I鈥檝e often smiled when I come upon similar projects myself. But in wild places that are shared by a lot of people, it鈥檚 important to leave nature as untouched as possible. (Obviously if you鈥檙e on private land and know the owner, that鈥檚 a different story.)
So I think my answer would vary on a case-by-case basis, depending on each piece of art, its location, how quickly it will decompose or deteriorate, and how 鈥渦nnatural鈥 it will seem when it does. Sand and snow sculptures are already highly ephemeral; I鈥檇 see no problem leaving them (almost) anywhere. Beaches are naturally shifting, so an arrangement of stones and shells will be disrupted within hours by waves and tide. But in many shared public spaces, the integrity of the environment depends on individual people聽not聽leaving their mark, however artful their mark may be. For instance, some hikers might find an arrangement of rocks in a public forest to be more annoying than pleasant. In those situations, you could take photos of your work, then dismantle it carefully, returning the area to its previous state. So much of nature鈥檚 beauty is temporary: sunsets, flowers, even the seasons. There鈥檚 something beautiful about letting your art be temporary, too.
I have a wonderful partner who I love with my whole heart, and I also love traveling with him in our van (we both work four days a week and travel the other three). HOWEVER. He has started learning to play guitar, and has been practicing the same few songs again and again (and again and again). I know that is how practice works, and I鈥檓 really happy for him that he enjoys playing music. He鈥檚 getting better quickly and he has a nice voice. The problem is that he鈥檚 playing the same songs again and again in the van in the evenings, when we鈥檙e sitting beside each other. It gets old. I really want to encourage his playing, because it makes him so happy, but I would also like to have peace and quiet in the evenings, too.
I know you鈥檙e trying to be considerate and encourage his music (which is important!), but I think you can just be honest in this situation. Explain to your partner that you love hearing him play, but it can be a lot in the evening when you鈥檙e trying to wind down. Would he be willing to play outside, at least when the weather鈥檚 nice? Or could he do some (or most) of his practice earlier in the day, maybe while you take a walk or do some other activity? You could also find moments when you聽do聽want music鈥攕ay, while you鈥檙e making art or cooking, and it鈥檇 be fun to sing along鈥攁nd invite him to do his practicing and serenade you then. And definitely put in a few song requests of your own! He should have the skills to branch out soon, so you might as well hear your favorites.