Welcome to聽Tough Love. Every other week, we鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of聽. Have a question of your own? Write to us at toughlove@outsideim.com.
My friend has gotten interested in foraging for mushrooms. She is an avid cook and hosts regular dinner parties, and lately she has started incorporating wild mushrooms into her meals. For instance, at her last dinner she served tempeh stroganoff with wild mushrooms. I asked her how she knew that the mushrooms were safe, and she said in a snarky way, 鈥淒on鈥檛 worry, I鈥檓 not going to poison you.鈥 It is not that I don鈥檛 trust her, but she is new to this, and I always learned to be cautious with wild mushrooms if someone is not an expert. She saw me hesitating before I ate and was annoyed at me for the rest of the evening. She has been posting more mushroom pictures on Instagram聽and is hosting another dinner soon, so I think she will probably serve them. I am still not sure I am comfortable eating them, so I鈥檓 not sure what to do.
No. Stop. Do not eat another bite of her food, and do not put yourself in a situation where you will feel pressured to eat her food. Your health鈥攜our life!鈥攊s not something you risk for someone else鈥檚 ego. The fact that she was defensive about your question is a major red flag, because a truly confident, educated mycologist would be happy to explain how they know that the food they forage is safe to eat. In fact, this is such a red flag that I would suggest discreetly telling other people who go to her dinners about your concerns. Your host may be butthurt, but at least y鈥檃ll will be alive. And if you want to make a peace offering, you can all pitch in for a mushrooming class or send her links to a local mycology club, where she鈥檒l spend time with people who really know what they鈥檙e doing, and hopefully they can set an example. Because the more expertise people have, the more seriously they take safety鈥攏ot the other way around.
I鈥檓 a 19-year-old guy who鈥檚 good friends with a lot of girls. I鈥檝e noticed a pattern where, when I try to describe something, a new friend in our group, who I鈥檒l call Julia, says I鈥檓 mansplaining. I do not want to be patronizing or disrespectful, but it鈥檚 often things I know a lot about. For instance, I make kombucha in my apartment, and the other day my friend asked a question about kombucha, and I answered. Julia said, 鈥淭hanks for the mansplaining鈥 and rolled her eyes. We were in a group of three, and Julia doesn鈥檛 know much about kombucha (she admitted this herself), so it made sense for me to answer.聽Another time I mentioned that I鈥檇 seen a weather report that it was going to rain鈥攁nd she said the same thing. How do I know when I can say anything? It makes me anxious to say anything at all.
Mansplaining isn鈥檛 when a man explains something. It鈥檚 when a man explains something to a woman who knows more about the subject than he does. (See: Rebecca Solnit鈥檚 iconic essay 鈥溾) For instance, I had a conversation with a somewhat drunk man who spelled out聽to me, at length, that sled dogs can travel over frozen rivers. 鈥淚 know,鈥 I said. 鈥淚鈥檓 a musher. I travel on rivers all winter.鈥 鈥淲hat rivers?鈥 he said. 鈥淎 lot of rivers,鈥 I said, because, frankly, I鈥檝e mushed on so many rivers that listing them would be obnoxious. Plus it didn鈥檛 matter what I said, because it was like he didn鈥檛 hear me. His friend went on a dogsled tour, he said, and on that tour, his friend went over rivers personally.聽He was on the verge of calling his friend to explain this to me directly when I made an excuse to go to the bathroom and left. That was mansplaining.
Sometimes my friend Craig, an outdoorsman who grew up in the North Woods,聽gives me advice on how to tell trees apart. That鈥檚 not mansplaining, because he knows more about it than I do.聽
My point is:聽the core of mansplaining has very little to do with explanations per se and a lot to do with the assumption, by some men, that women know less than them. If you approach the women in your life with respect, admire their expertise, learn from their knowledge and perspectives, and value them as equal and interesting human beings鈥攏ot as people who are blessed by the chance to be educated by you鈥攜ou probably don鈥檛 have to worry much that your explanations are mansplanations.
That said, sometimes we don鈥檛 realize what we鈥檙e doing, so it鈥檚 worth asking one of your woman friends. Say, 鈥淗ey, I notice that Julia accuses me of mansplaining a lot. Do I do that?鈥 And then sit and listen to the answer. If you are being unintentionally patronizing, then that鈥檚 good information, because you can work on changing your behavior. And if you鈥檙e not, then your friend might be willing to speak up to Julia and try to break the pattern.聽
Maybe Julia gets a laugh when she accuses you of mansplaining, but any joke that makes a friend feel self-conscious and shamed isn鈥檛 a funny one. Maybe she doesn鈥檛 really know what mansplaining is. But whatever you do, don鈥檛 explain it to her. Even if you鈥檙e right, there鈥檚 no way that鈥檚 gonna end well.