Welcome to Tough Love. We鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of and . Have a question of your own? Write to us at聽toughlove@outsideinc.com.
I think I know what you鈥檙e going to say, but how bad of an idea is it to move in with someone you have a crush on? My friend is building a yurt and invited me to live there with him. We鈥檝e been close for a few years and sometimes I鈥檝e thought there might be more between us, but I know that may not be possible and I鈥檓 OK with just being friends too, as long as we鈥檙e always part of each others鈥 lives. I also need to move anyway and have been considering my options, so the timing is natural. But I worry that in close proximity, it might make things even more complicated between us.
The great thing about knowing what I鈥檓 going to say is that it鈥檚 not actually聽me聽you鈥檙e hearing; it鈥檚 that little voice in your heart telling you what you already know best. And you know this situation far better and more intimately than I do. So actually, before you read any more, stop and write down what you think I鈥檓 going to say. It鈥檚 time to give that voice a chance to really be heard.
Now, I think you should follow your own advice here. But in case you want to compare notes, here鈥檚 what I think: I think you should tell your friend how you feel. And that even if you didn鈥檛 have feelings for him, you should be pretty wary about jumping into a tiny shared living space together.
Living with others in a small space is聽intense.聽(I don鈥檛 know how big this yurt is, but I鈥檓 assuming it鈥檚 one room; if it鈥檚 bigger, please temper the following accordingly.) I鈥檝e spent a couple years in shared one-room situations鈥攖ents and tiny cabins and the like鈥攁nd even in the very best of circumstances, with a stable romantic partner or an incredibly close friend, you are simply in each other鈥檚 business all the time. You can鈥檛 turn on a light or pace or listen to music or make a phone call without being in the other person鈥檚 space. And unless you鈥檙e both minimalists, or at least very organized, you鈥檒l likely have belongings that don鈥檛聽quite聽fit, and you鈥檒l be in each other鈥檚 mess half the time, too. If one person spreads out on the table, then they鈥檙e monopolizing literally every flat surface you have. If one of you gets sick, then you鈥檒l both get sick, and you鈥檒l be sharing that gross sick air together. You will smell every single thing that the other person eats. What if he likes tuna and you don鈥檛? What if you like tuna and he doesn鈥檛 want to say anything but is secretly disgusted every time you eat it? How will you handle overnight visitors鈥攑articularly romantic ones? The situation is fraught to say the least. Not impossible, of course, but it鈥檚 complicated from the start. If either of you is an introvert, that makes things even harder.
In fact, I鈥檇 venture to say鈥攁nd yes, there are exceptions to every rule鈥攖hat you should try to avoid moving into a one-room space with anyone other than a committed partner or a very long-term close friend unless it is for a limited and predetermined period of time. (To be clear, I鈥檓 not talking about dorm rooms or shared bedrooms; those are great. I鈥檓 talking about living situations where multiple people are doing everything in a single room and have nowhere else to go or get away from each other.) That is to say, if your friend invites you to live in their van or tiny house or tent for a three-week or even six-month stint鈥攇o for it, have a blast! But that end point is聽key.聽It鈥檚 possible you鈥檒l have such a great time and be so compatible that you鈥檒l end up both wanting to live together longer or even indefinitely, which would be fantastic. But if tensions rise, having a set end date allows you to dissolve the living situation without having to 鈥渂reak up,鈥 so to speak, and threaten the relationship itself.
Anyway, all this would be relevant even if you didn鈥檛 have feelings for the guy. But you do! And that鈥檚 exciting and beautiful and complicated and makes things even more delicate.
The terrifying thing about telling a friend that you鈥檙e crushing on them is that you risk disrupting the friendship itself鈥攁nd it is the very preciousness of that friendship that makes you聽want聽something more. If you don鈥檛 express your feelings, chances are very slim that things will become romantic. But it may comfort you to hear that I know many, many people whose marriages or long-term relationships started out as friendships in which one party confessed feelings. And I also know of many friendships where one person developed and expressed a crush, and even though the other person didn鈥檛 reciprocate, the friendship continued on. If you really believe that you and this guy care about each other, and belong in each other鈥檚 lives, then it sounds like your bond is strong enough to weather that risk.
Best case scenario, he confesses his feelings back, and odds are that you spend a lot of time in his yurt anyway, until it ends up feeling like a second home. But regardless of whether you end up dating, it鈥檚 wise for you to have your own personal space, too鈥攁t least for now.