Welcome to聽Tough Love. We鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is聽Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of . Have a question of your own? Write to us at聽toughlove@outsideinc.com.
I made a resolution at the beginning of 2020 to go for one solo backpacking trip a month, which I have been doing every month of the year. I live alone, and I was trying to get comfortable with solitude. At first I really liked it, but I have found that I don鈥檛 look forward to the trips much anymore. It鈥檚 hard to find motivation to go above and beyond, or to make a nice聽meal for just yourself. I end up wishing I had company or wanting to scroll through my phone, which is the opposite of what I鈥檓 trying to do. Do you have any advice for dealing with loneliness outdoors?
When I was a teenager, I lived for a year above the arctic circle, where the sun didn鈥檛 rise for about two months. I spent most of that winter outside, loving the blue darkness, feeling totally fine; for all I cared, winter could last forever. Then one day the sun rose and it hit me鈥擨 swear鈥攍ike a drug. That white light over the horizon, and even though I hadn鈥檛 consciously known I鈥檇 been missing sunlight, my body knew. I felt an absolute chemical elation. And no amount of adventure or cozy hours by the fire could replace the feeling of real sun.
I鈥檝e thought of that often during the pandemic, because I thought I was fine, spending months in the woods (where I live), seeing only my husband and our dogs. After all, he鈥檚 my favorite person to see. I worked from home and picked up outdoor groceries. I鈥檓 an introvert; I like being alone, right? And then I got COVID, and after a few weeks my friends brought me to their house so I wouldn鈥檛 be by myself during the day. (They鈥檇 had COVID the month before.) It was a bustling household, and even though I was exhausted and kind of anxious, damn if being around people聽didn鈥檛 switch off some sadness inside me that I didn鈥檛 even know I鈥檇 had. Happy people, busy people, people going about their lives. Not people in movies, or friends on the internet, or family members on a screen. Physical people.
If you sent me this question before the pandemic, I probably would have a very different answer鈥攕omething about learning to appreciate your own company, enjoying the freedom, getting to know yourself, and so on. And part of that would be my own bias, as someone who genuinely enjoys solitude and has always been slightly baffled by people who recharge through social situations. But also, we鈥檙e all in a different time.
You鈥檙e not breaking your resolution by adapting it to where you are and what you need right now.
A lot of people are really isolated right now, or are coming out of a period of serious isolation, and the mental and emotional toll of that isolation is deeper than I, at least, could have realized. I don鈥檛 know if that鈥檚 your situation, and I聽do聽know I鈥檓 projecting. But there鈥檚 a point at which you can鈥檛 will yourself through loneliness. You sound like someone with a strong will, who鈥檚 been pushing and challenging yourself in exciting and interesting ways, but I wonder if maybe,聽maybe, given the current state of the world, given the isolation of the past year and a half, solitude isn’t a thing that you really need to push yourself through at the moment.
If this reflection doesn鈥檛 ring true to you, and you鈥檙e committed to completing your trips alone, here鈥檚 my advice for solitude: find a way to capture your experience. Journal, take photos, keep a scrapbook, make art, write letters from your tent. This puts you in conversation鈥攅ven if it鈥檚 just with yourself鈥攁nd it鈥檚 a record you can share with loved ones, too, if you ever choose to in the future. Keep track of what you鈥檙e seeing, doing, and learning through this whole intense process. It鈥檚 a remarkable project you鈥檝e taken on, and just as remarkable that you鈥檝e stuck to it this far into the year.
But if, after some reflection, you think that you鈥檇 really rather have company on your trips, I鈥檇 encourage you to do that instead. Maybe you could bring a friend or family member; even if they don鈥檛 come the whole way, they could hike with you on the first day, or meet you on the way back. Your friend doesn鈥檛 need to be super-experienced; you could invite someone on their first-ever backpacking trip and teach them the ropes. Heck, maybe it will be so annoying that by next month you鈥檒l be thrilled to be alone again. But the point is, you鈥檇 have texture. You have a choice.
You鈥檙e not breaking your resolution by adapting it to where you are and what you need right now. You鈥檙e staying true to your intention鈥攁nd finding a way to build up your resilience instead of chipping it away.