Welcome to听Tough Love. Every other week, we鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of听. Have a question of your own? Write to us at toughlove@outsideim.com.
I enjoy being alone in the outdoors. Each year, I go on听multiday hiking and camping trips on my own. I plan extensively for these trips and get excited for the meals I鈥檒l make for myself, the trails I鈥檒l explore, the other campers I might meet, and all the time I鈥檒l have to decompress, meditate, read, and write. Going solo means I get to do all this without worrying about whether a companion is enjoying the trip听or concerning myself with anyone else鈥檚 logistics.
My problem is the intense irritation I feel when, upon hearing that I鈥檓 going hiking or camping, the first question from friends听and colleagues is, 鈥淲ho are you going with?鈥澨齌his is almost always the first thing people ask鈥攏ot what I鈥檓 hoping to get out of the experience or anything else I wish they would ask. I wouldn鈥檛 mind if those questions came later, but it often happens that the questions totally dry up after I cheerfully respond that I鈥檓 going solo. I get looks of confusion or bemusement, and sometimes people wonder听why I would go on my own.
This conversational pattern bothers me for a few reasons. It makes me feel as though, in others鈥櫶齟yes, my experiences have no worth unless they鈥檙e shared. And because I鈥檝e had a rough couple of years in terms of friendships鈥攃utting ties with two of my oldest friends and having trouble making deep new connections鈥攖his question makes me feel inadequate, like I don鈥檛 have enough friends, whatever that magic number might be.听
The thing is that I believe solo experiences have value. I鈥檝e read plenty of books about wonderful solo adventures鈥Wild听by Cheryl Strayed,听Silence in the Age of Noise听by Erling Kagge,听Under the Tuscan Sun听by Frances Mayes鈥攁nd I follow solo adventurers on social media. I鈥檝e always admired people who are independent, but I鈥檓 not antisocial鈥攁s much as I enjoy being on my own, I also enjoy spending time with interesting people and good friends. One of the biggest and best adventures of my life was cycling across North America with 68 teammates!听
I鈥檝e been in therapy for eight months now, both to work through my grief at losing听my two oldest friendships and to become a more well-adjusted person. I鈥檝e made lots of progress in other ways, but every time I have to reply to someone about who I鈥檓 going on a trip with, I still feel this strange combination of rage and dejection well up inside me. It seems silly to get so worked up about what is, at the end of the day, a simple question.听
Can you offer some perspective听or thoughts on how I might do a better job of dealing with this?
When people ask who you鈥檙e going to be traveling with, they鈥檙e not implying that solo journeys don鈥檛 have value鈥攆ar from it. People assume that you鈥檙e traveling with someone else because that鈥檚 how they might imagine themselves doing the trip听or because that鈥檚 what they鈥檙e most familiar with. I suspect that if they clam up afterward听and don鈥檛 ask anything else, it鈥檚 because they鈥檙e sensing your strong emotions, no matter how cheerfully you try to answer. Why would you keep asking questions to someone who seems to be suppressing rage?
Strong emotions like this come from a deep place, so it鈥檚 important that you鈥檙e processing your pain with a professional. Loss of friendship, grief, shame鈥攖hese are all big things, and I鈥檓 glad to hear that you鈥檙e doing the hard work of taking care of yourself.听
But what do you do in the meantime,听as you continue to work with your therapist, to handle this sort of conversation?
The most important thing to remember is that when someone asks you who you鈥檙e traveling with, they鈥檙e not suggesting that solo trips aren鈥檛 valid or that you don鈥檛 have friends. In fact, they are听trying to be friends.听They鈥檙e trying to start a conversation about something you care about, but it just so happens that they stumble onto an insecurity with听their first question. Your best response, if you want to talk about your trip鈥攁nd it sounds like you do鈥攊s to help point the conversation in a direction you鈥檙e more excited about. It might look like this:
Them: 鈥淲ho are you traveling with?鈥
You: 鈥淚鈥檒l be backpacking alone, actually! I鈥檒l be checking out a new trail that circles the base of Katahdin. I鈥檓 still figuring out what to pack for my lunches.鈥
Just like that, the hard part (explaining that you鈥檒l be alone) is over, and you鈥檙e moving the conversation forward by offering multiple cues about things you鈥檇听like听to talk about. Your colleague might have their own story about Katahdin, or they might ask what appeals to you about the new trail听or start discussing options for camping food. You can keep the conversation as light as you鈥檇 like, but you鈥檙e still taking the opportunity to connect with someone, rather than pushing them away.听
If things are going well, and if you鈥檙e talking to someone you care about, you could also use the conversation as a chance to be vulnerable. Everyone has different values for their friendships, of course, but I鈥檓 usually drawn to people who work to understand their own fears and shames and motivations, who听keep learning about themselves and the world, and then share this honesty with their loved ones. It can be uncomfortable work, but it sounds like the kind of work you鈥檙e doing, and if you risk sharing that vulnerability, you might be surprised by the tenderness you get in return. If you鈥檙e feeling a connection when you talk about other parts of your trip, you might try consciously circling back to that first question. 鈥淚t鈥檚 interesting that you asked who I was traveling with,鈥澨齳ou could say, 鈥渂ecause that鈥檚 actually something I鈥檓 grappling with right now. I love traveling alone, but it seems to put people off, so sometimes I feel self-conscious. But I鈥檝e been going through a lot lately, and I love having that time to reflect.鈥听Maybe they鈥檒l want to talk about it; maybe they won鈥檛. But either way, they鈥檒l sense your courage in speaking honestly鈥攁nd you鈥檒l be taking steps to build the kind of deeper relationships that can help you through this tough time.