Welcome to Tough Love. We’re answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of and . Have a question of your own? Write to us at toughlove@outsideinc.com.
My college friends and I have planned a week-long vacation together almost every summer since we graduated, short of the years that we were busy with kids and big life changes. It’s a tradition that we all look forward to every year. As time passes, it feels increasingly precious to have that time set apart to reconnect with each other and share in the stories of each others’ lives.Â
We used to go camping, but now we usually stay in a lodge in a new destination and spend our days hiking, exploring rivers and beaches, and sitting up late by the fire to talk and laugh. We also enjoy trying local restaurants, and often plan an excursion or two, like a guided kayak trip or a fly-fishing lesson.Â
This year, the resort we’re staying in happens to rent out ATVs in the summer and snowmobiles in the winter. My friends have decided that our group activity should be renting ATVs during the week we’re there. I was surprised by this decision, as we usually choose quieter, more earth-friendly activities, and my understanding is that ATVs are noisy, obnoxious, and destructive to the environment. I’ve seen them sending up clouds of dust as people race by at dangerous speeds, and I’ll admit my disappointment that the group would choose something with the potential to be harmful to nature rather than something that allows us to connect with it more intimately. I’m trying not to be a spoilsport, but I already know that this is not something I’ll want to participate in, and I find myself disappointed in advance rather than enjoying my usual excitement as the trip approaches. I know it’s just one week, but this trip means a lot to me, this year more than ever. How do I get over my disappointment?
What an amazing tradition you’ve built together! I’m inspired by your whole friend group’s commitment to staying involved in each others’ lives.
You didn’t mention how many of you there are, but odds are that in past years, there have been others who aren’t too keen on the group’s chosen activity or destination, even if they don’t make a big deal about it. After all, it’s tricky to come up with adventures that are simultaneously new, accessible, and equally appealing to everyone. If anything, I’m surprised it took this long for you to be the one who’s less than excited.
Of course, it’s frustrating to imagine sitting at the lodge—or hiking alone—while your friends are out driving ATVs all day, coming back wind-chapped and filthy and brimming with stories that you didn’t get to be part of. But I also wonder why you’re so averse to at least a short ATV ride, especially when you’ve made it an ongoing priority to try new things. It sounds to me like your negative associations with ATVs are largely about drivers you’ve encountered in the past, not the vehicles themselves. In conflating the two, you might be keeping yourself from an activity that you’d actually enjoy.
Keep in mind that ATVs are a tool, and you’re welcome to use that tool however you please. True, assuming they’re not electric, they burn fossil fuels and are noisy; the lodge probably has headphones to protect your ears, and you can always add earplugs in addition. But if your friends are already committed to renting them, you’ll do more good for nature by buying carbon offsets or making a donation to an environmental group than by refusing to ride along.
Presumably, the place has established routes for people to drive on; nobody’s setting you loose in a fragile wetland, or sending you off-trail (and if they try, well, you know what to do). Keep in mind, too, that ATVs only go as fast as you drive them. If you decide to participate, there’d be nothing stopping you from putt-putting down the trail at 10 miles per hour, enjoying the breeze and admiring the flowers as you roll by, stopping whenever you want to get a closer look. This isn’t to say that you have to drive one if you’re averse; far from it. But if you’re at all curious, it’s OK to give one a try. And if you end up getting a thrill out of going fast, that’s OK, too. You’re allowed to enjoy yourself, even if it’s not an activity you would have chosen.
There’s a second concern hovering under your words, and that’s that ATVs represent change. Of course, renting ATVs once does not mean your friend group is turning into a motor sports club. But it sounds like you’ve had a particularly hard year, and this week of friendship represents precious time that both grounds and buoys you, and you’re already mourning the fact that it might not be exactly what you need. If you find yourself craving familiarity more than ever, lean into that, and let your friends know in advance that you’d like to find other ways to prioritize it on your vacation. What other traditions have you established over the years? A wine-tasting night? Puzzles by the fire? Quiet walks at dawn? You could even bring special snacks or beverages that you’ve enjoyed together in the past. Know that your friends will appreciate these old favorites, too, and that they’ll help add fun and comfort to your vacation. Not because the trip needs to be ATV-free to be nourishing, but because right now you need that nourishment more than ever.