Welcome to Tough Love. Every other week, we鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of . Have a question of your own? Write to us at toughlove@outsidemag.com.
Q: This isn鈥t really relationship-related, but any tips for getting outside when you鈥re depressed? It feels exhausting to take a shower, let alone go hiking, but I know I should do it聽because it would help me.
鈥擣eeling Down
Oh, hon. I鈥檓 so sorry you鈥檙e struggling. Try not to worry about big questions like what you 鈥渟hould鈥 be doing鈥攚hat you should be doing is taking care of yourself, and healing, and that doesn鈥檛 always look like what we expect it to. Sometimes the only thing to do when you鈥檙e depressed is to focus on the next minute, the next hour. Breath by breath. Don鈥檛 let the pressure of possibility discourage you from accomplishing small good things.
Will you humor me? Hang a piece of paper on your wall. Whenever you do one of the following things, draw a star on it. When you have 12 stars, write to me and tell me you did it. I鈥檒l be so proud of you. I鈥檓 already proud of you, I promise.
1. Step out your front door and take two slow breaths. Look at the sky.
2. Drink a glass of water.
3. If you鈥檙e reading, or scrolling through Instagram, or listening to a podcast, or whatever you鈥檙e doing to get through the hours, do it in the fresh air for at least 30 minutes.
4. Walk to the mailbox. If you feel like walking farther, keep walking. If you feel like turning around, turn around.
5. Go to your doctor if you haven鈥檛 recently聽or if your mood has changed. If you have trouble getting there, ask a friend to help.
6. Find a place near your home where you feel comfortable outdoors. It can be a garden, a park, anything. Bring what you need to stay there for a couple hours鈥攕omething to eat and drink, sunscreen, a sweater鈥攁nd hang out for as long (or short) a time as you want to.
7. Go there two days in a row, even if you only stay for a few minutes.
8. While you鈥檙e there, describe your surroundings out loud. Try to use at least three senses.
10. Touch four rocks.
11. Find a way to bring nature inside. Pick a flower and put it in a vase (or cup) on your table.
12. Make tea. Drink it on the porch.
13. Pet a dog. If you don鈥檛 have one, find one.
14. Walk a dog. Notice what the dog notices.
15. Watch a bug for a while.
16. Do something physical outside. It could be going for a hike or jog, but you could also lay out a blanket and stretch or do some yoga poses. The point is to be working with your body, not against it. You deserve to feel good.
17. If you find yourself thinking that you should be doing more鈥攈iking instead of walking, running instead of hiking, sitting on the couch instead of lying in bed鈥攔emember that if you want to rest, you can. Resting is part of taking care of yourself.
18. Plant a seedling in a pot or garden. Water it.
19. Go to a farm or farmer鈥檚 market and eat something local.
20. Touch five living things. Grass is living. Trees are living. Rivers are living. You鈥檙e living. I鈥檓 grateful that you are.
Q: I鈥檓 a female backpacker and committed to Leave No Trace. Recently I鈥ve started using a pee rag on multiday trips so I can pack out less toilet paper. Despite explaining that pee is relatively bacteria-free and rinsing my pee rag often, my husband is really grossed out. He hates my pee rag and wants me to stop using it. I wish he鈥檇 be more supportive. Any advice?
鈥擫etting My Pee Rag Fly
If you want your wiping habits to be private, keep them private. Why are you and your husband even talking about your pee rag? Why does he know? By opening up a discussion (about bacteria, etc.), you鈥檙e agreeing that there鈥檚 a discussion to be had鈥攚hich gives your husband a chance to have a say. Your best bet is to drop the conversation and keep on peeing however you want. As long as your husband鈥檚 not bothered by actual sanitary (or olfactory) concerns, then it鈥檚 none of his business. But since you know he鈥檚 grossed out by the rag, you can help by keeping it relatively discreet. It鈥檚 not body shame; it鈥檚 just polite.
Q: We bought a very expensive canoe together, and now we鈥re breaking up. How do you negotiate the custody on that?
鈥擴p the Creek
One of you should buy the other person out. If that鈥檚 too stressful, your best bet is to let it go. You can get a new canoe, but you can鈥檛 get back the time you wasted on an unhappy relationship.