Airline loyalty programs are pretty complicated, and, let鈥檚 be honest鈥攜ou鈥檙e never sure you鈥檙e actually getting 鈥渞ewarded鈥 for your loyalty to a certain airline. Or if it鈥檚 really worth it.
But what if airlines really had to try hard to impress us? And get creative about it? Instead of 鈥淎fter flying X qualifying segments or X miles and spending $X,000 on flights, you will potentially earn one possible free upgrade to somewhere closer to the front of the plane, if the flight is pretty empty on that day,鈥 what if it was something like, 鈥淗ey, looks like you鈥檝e flown a ton of miles with us, so we fixed that leak in the roof of your house and got your kids a puppy,鈥 or 鈥淭hanks for booking your last 30 flights with us, we鈥檝e arranged for you to have an empty seat next to you for your next ten聽flights鈥?
Here鈥檚 an altogether unrealistic, but I think pretty persuasive, suggested list of airline loyalty benefits, using a simple formula:
5,000 miles
You get upgraded to a whole can of soda all to yourself on every flight for the next year, instead of five ounces poured into a plastic cup full of ice.
10,000 miles
The Wi-Fi will work for the entire flight, every flight, for the next year.
12,000 miles
You get a free beer every flight for the next year.
15,000 miles
You get a comfortable seat sized for an actual human being, like they had in the 1970s (but no one is smoking on the plane like in the 鈥70s), for the next year.
20,000 miles
No one manspreads into your area and聽you have exclusive armrest rights for a year of flights.
25,000 miles
You get to de-plane first no matter where you鈥檙e sitting, for one year.
30,000 miles
You get a whole row to yourself for every flight, for one year.
35,000 miles
No one cries, talks loudly, or uses their smartphone鈥檚 external speaker during your flights for the next two years.
40,000 miles
No one sneezes, coughs, or farts on your flights for the next two years.
45,000 miles
You receive a pizza, a whole pizza, from a pizza place not in the airport. It鈥檚 all yours. Also, the seat next to you is empty, so you can put the pizza there while you eat it. Here are some extra napkins.
50,000 miles
We answered all your emails for the rest of the month. Please enjoy a movie or a nap.
60,000 miles
You get a private bathroom on your next international flight, and鈥攊t鈥檚 clean. No one has blown it up, or flushed the toilet with the lid open, or even peed on the floor. But you can do all that stuff if you want to.
70,000 miles
A car and driver is parked on the tarmac for you, just hop out the rear exit door at the end of the flight here and go home. Your bags are already in the car.
80,000 miles
Surprise, we have re-routed your flight so instead of going to that conference for work, you鈥檙e going skiing. All your friends are there, and they have new skis for you, and it鈥檚 snowing. Also your boss is paying you to be there for four days and you got a raise.
90,000 miles
You get to sit in the cockpit for the entire flight.
100,000 miles
You are bumped up to first class and all the the other first class seats are occupied by golden retriever puppies.
125,000 miles
You are teleported to your destination this time.
150,000 miles
None of your flights are delayed, ever, for the rest of your lifetime.
175,000 miles
You will receive the ability to play any musical instrument; most people agree that you are also pretty good-looking.
200,000 miles
Here鈥檚 a private plane and pilot who will take care of all your air travel needs for the next five years.
250,000 miles
You can fly all by yourself, without a plane, like Superman.
500,000 miles
Immortality.