Welcome to Tough Love. We鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of and . Have a question of your own? Write to us at聽toughlove@outsideinc.com.
I have a friend who is terrified of snakes. He鈥檚 from Australia, where the snakes are much more dangerous than the ones who live around us now. Technically we have rattlesnakes here, but I don鈥檛 even know anyone who鈥檚 seen one, and most of the snakes we have aren鈥檛 venomous. However, my friend is still terrified to the point where if we have a barbecue or hang out in the park, he usually gets startled at least once. We went swimming in a lake and he screamed because something touched his leg. It made a scene and was kind of embarrassing. How do I help him realize that he doesn鈥檛 have to be worried here?
I mean, just googling Australian snakes makes me jumpy鈥擨 can鈥檛 imagine how much more alert I鈥檇 be if I grew up there. Yes, I know, people get used to their environments. But it sounds like your friend developed a completely reasonable and well-earned survival instinct. Getting startled once on an excursion doesn鈥檛 strike me as necessarily excessive, particularly if your friend is open to hanging out outside and isn鈥檛 limiting his plans out of fear. A lot of people wouldn鈥檛 even get in a lake if they were worried about water snakes. Heck, I stay out of a lot of water just because leeches are gross.
Does your friend think he has a problem, or is it just you? Was he embarrassed when he screamed in the lake, or were you embarrassed for him? If you鈥檙e not sure how he feels, you could try posing a question: 鈥淗ey, I know you鈥檙e nervous around snakes. If you could snap your fingers and make the fear go away, would you?鈥� If he seems baffled, or shakes his head, then clearly he feels just fine with his snake anxiety, and the appropriate response is for you to let it go.
If he says something along the lines of, 鈥淵eah, honestly it鈥檚 kind of a phobia for me and I wish I could get over it,鈥� then he鈥檚 making an opening for you to offer help. You could teach him a bit about the very nice, polite, not-gonna-kill-you snakes in your region, or鈥攂etter yet鈥攖ake him to a nature center where he could encounter some up-close in a totally secure environment. (Nature centers love teaching people about their local species. That鈥檚 a big part of what they鈥檙e for!) Education probably won鈥檛 make his fear go away completely, but it鈥檒l give him the tools to talk himself down when he鈥檚 startled. He might even start to recognize certain non-venomous species when he鈥檚 out and about.
Regardless of whether or not he wants your help, I think it would serve you to do some thinking about why your friend鈥檚 startle reflex strikes you as embarrassing. Do you think it reflects badly on him? Do you think certain types of people shouldn鈥檛 have phobias (or at least show them publicly)? Is it that you don鈥檛 like making a scene? If so, maybe that鈥檚 a phobia of your own that you could confront. Know that there鈥檚 nothing shameful about being afraid of something, whether or not it鈥檚 rational. That鈥檚 just how our brains work sometimes.
And if you鈥檙e ever desperate for a completely calm activity, plan a ski trip. Snakes don鈥檛 live in the snow.
I鈥檓 hoping you can settle a debate I鈥檝e been having with my girlfriend. She鈥檚 a trail runner and likes to listen to music while she runs. However, she says that she doesn鈥檛 feel safe wearing headphones because it makes her less aware of her surroundings, so she plays music on her phone out loud while she runs. I understand her logic, but it seems extremely rude to play music aloud on shared trails. There are other people trying to enjoy some peace and quiet, and they don鈥檛 want to hear whatever she鈥檚 listening to. She says I just don鈥檛 get it. Which one of us is right?
You both are. It is rude to play music aloud on shared trails. Also, if you鈥檙e male, your girlfriend has to stay far more aware of her surroundings than you do. If she felt comfortable doing so, the most polite solution would be for her to wear a single earbud and keep the other ear open to her surroundings. But, given the circumstances鈥攁nd assuming that she鈥檚 only seeing people every few minutes, rather than being constantly surrounded by fellow hikers and joggers鈥擨 think it would be appropriate for her to play music out loud quietly, so that folks she passes would just hear it for a moment when they鈥檙e directly beside her. It鈥檚 not ideal, but that鈥檚 not her fault; sometimes an imperfect world forces us into imperfect solutions. I鈥檓 sure she鈥檇 much rather live in a world where no one would bother her and she could wear her headphones in peace.