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Adam Rippon of the United States reacts after his performance in the men's single skating free skating in the Gangneung Ice Arena at the 2018 Winter Olympics.
Adam Rippon of the United States reacts after his performance in the men's single skating free skating in the Gangneung Ice Arena at the 2018 Winter Olympics. (Photo: Paul Chiasson/The Canadian Press)

国产吃瓜黑料’s Official Alternative Olympic Medals Ceremony

Honoring the athletes, moments, and Twitter accounts who really deserved to take home the gold this year

Published: 
Adam Rippon of the United States reacts after his performance in the men's single skating free skating in the Gangneung Ice Arena at the 2018 Winter Olympics.
(Photo: Paul Chiasson/The Canadian Press)

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Mea culpa time. We predicted this would be our best Olympics ever, and then it was聽a little underwhelming. It鈥檚 not been all bad鈥攚e were especially thrilled by medals from , Kikkan Randall and Jessie Diggins, and Mikaela Shiffrin ()鈥攏ot to mention Lindsey Vonn鈥檚 emotional bronze. But it hasn鈥檛 quite been the flurry of gold we expected.

Still, we鈥檙e good sports and Olympic enthusiasts until the end. So we聽decided to end the Games by awarding a few gold medals, honoring the most exciting and ridiculous moments that really made the 2018 Olympics.

Best Call by an Announcer: Chad Salmela on Women鈥檚 Cross Country Skiing

鈥溾 It鈥檚 up there with 鈥淭he Giants win the pennant,鈥 鈥淒own goes Frazier,鈥 and 鈥淒o you believe in miracles?鈥 as one of the best calls of all time.

鈥擬att Skenazy, senior editor

Best Social Media Presence: Adam Rippon

Yes, I know this is a predictable one. But I spend a lot of time on Twitter (much more time than I鈥檝e spent watching the Olympics, if I鈥檓 being honest) and figure skater is a small bright spot in that dark place. If you need convincing that Adam deserves the gold in this category, I鈥檒l just let him speak for himself:

鈥擬olly Mirhashem, associate editor

Best Worst Athlete Who Should鈥檝e Been聽in the Olympics: Krishna Sai Rahul聽Eluri

This聽figure skater聽has such a heartfelt story about how he practices primarily on roller skates since his hometown doesn鈥檛 have an ice rink. At Slate,聽Justin Peters wrote an聽 to Eluri鈥檚 performance in the 2016 International Skating Union Junior Grand Prix: 鈥淓ven without adjusting for those limitations, he gave the crowd a fun show characterized by an authentic joy that many skaters lose as their routines become more polished.鈥澛

鈥擩enny Earnest, social media manager

Best Worst Athlete Who 厂丑辞耻濒诲苍鈥檛 Have Been in the Olympics: Elizabeth Swaney

You鈥檝e likely already seen 聽from the women鈥檚 freeski halfpipe event. Swaney聽drops in and approaches each wall聽with hesitance. Her skis barely leave the snow at the lip of the pipe鈥攁 stark contrast to the electrifying 900鈥檚 and 1080鈥檚 performed by medalists聽 of Canada,聽 of France, and the USA鈥檚聽. Turns out that Swaney, an American, figured out how to get into the Olympics with the help of loopholes, self-funding, and competing for Hungary.聽All of the other聽athletes, and women鈥檚 freeskiing聽in general,聽were left unjustly overshadowed聽by this self-promotional stunt. At least it was funny?

鈥擟hristopher Thompson, visual producer

Worst Sportsmanship: Mathieu Faivre

This week, I learned that you can get sent home from the Olympics just for being a bad team player, as French skier Mathieu Faivre was after he placed seventh in the giant slalom and he didn鈥檛 care how his teammates did: 鈥淚鈥檓 here for my own personal interest, to build my career.鈥澛營 also learned that FIS . (Faivre is a capricorn鈥攎aybe this explains his bad attitude!) Most importantly, I learned that Faivre is dating Mikaela Shiffrin, a pisces who clearly deserves better than this.聽

鈥擡rin Berger, senior editor

Best Spectator: The Curling Husband

At every Olympics there are fans who rise above the crowd鈥攍ast summer we got , this year it was the glorious 鈥.鈥 In what is my favorite moment of the Games, Canadian curler Rachel Homan鈥檚 husband was seen double fisting beers as he cheered her on at a 9 a.m.聽match. Nothing but respect for you, sir.聽

鈥擬arie Sullivan, associate video producer

Most聽Team聽Spirit: Leslie Jones

From with Tara Lipinski and Johnny Weir to on Pierre McGuire鈥檚 mid-game women鈥檚 hockey interview fail, Jones is here for Team USA.

鈥擜leta Burchyski, senior copy editor

Best Finish-Line Celebration: German Mandrazo

The guy picked up cross-country skiing last year, competing for Mexico and training with Tonga鈥檚 famous , Pita Taufatofua. Mandrazo came in dead last in the men's individual 15K聽race, nearly doubling the time of the first place finisher. But when Mandrazo crossed the finish line he , throwing his arms into the air and grabbing a Mexican flag from a fan, before his Tongan pal hoisted him into the air.聽

鈥擩. Weston Phippen, senior editor

Best Olympic Athlete-Artist: Alexi Pappas

Distance runner Alexi Pappas is a taste of what life is really like at the Winter Games as聽one of the four athletes selected for an聽 this year.聽Her聽Instagram is full聽of聽training shots on forest trails and photos of her lounging in her Olympic Village bed. And she gets聽bonus points for flashing her bicep聽tattoo of the Olympic rings, from when she competed in the last Summer Games, at every chance she gets.

鈥擜bigail Wise, online managing editor

Wildest Snowboarding Lingo: Jamie Anderson

Including: 鈥減utting it down,鈥澛犫渨inning double gold would鈥檝e been gangster,鈥澛燼nd 鈥渂less the rest.鈥澛燬he killed me. It was like .

鈥擬ary Turner, deputy editor

Most 鈥淲TF? Seriously?鈥 Moment

As we know, Russians were banned from competing under their own flag because of the state-sponsored doping conspiracy. You鈥檇 think they鈥檇 take a season off. But Aleksandr Krushelnitckii says, Idi k chertu (roughly: go to hell) and doped anyway. He was caught and stripped of his bronze medal in… .

鈥擩.奥.笔.

Most Entertaining Overall Commentary: Bode Miller

Clearly I disagree with on this. Sure, he鈥檚 made some , but listening to Miller talk is so much less painful than it used to be watching him ski. A pretty great moment was his self-deprecating acknowledgment, during the women鈥檚 alpine combined event, that he was probably being too hard on the competitors because at least they were getting themselves down the slope cleanly, which he could only do half the time.

鈥擲vati Narula, assistant social media editor

Greatest Feud We Didn鈥檛 Know We Needed: Kirstie Alley vs. U.S. Men鈥檚 Curling Team

Kirstie Alley ; the men鈥檚 curling team said Kirstie鈥檚 movies are boring. To be fair: The U.S. for a place in the gold-medal round is the opposite of boring. And Kirstie Alley was really good in Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan.

鈥擜.叠.

Lead Photo: Paul Chiasson/The Canadian Press

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