Photo: markhillary/Flickr
The five things you should know if you were only going to know five things about yesterday at the Olympics.
1. Usain Bolt won gold in the 200m, repeating his sweep of the Olympic sprint races because of course he did that. No man has ever repeated in the 200m, let alone the 100m and the 200m. And that still stands because Usain Bolt is not a man. He is some other kind of human-like creature which scientists have yet to discover. After the race, Bolt : 鈥淚’m now a legend. I am the greatest athlete to live.鈥� I will not deny anything Usain Bolt says, but I also hesitate to call him the 鈥済reatest sprinter ever鈥� because if you鈥檙e including Bolt, you have to include cheetahs don鈥檛 you?
2. The U.S. men鈥檚 boxing team might be terrible, winning zero medals, but Claressa Shields made sure that at least one American won a boxing medal in London. The 17-year-old became the first American woman鈥攖his is the first Olympics with women鈥檚 boxing鈥攖o win an Olympic gold. Her upon receiving the gold medal is, presumably, the point of the Olympics (other than the giant thumb-wrestling match between the U.S. and China). If you haven鈥檛 already, read Ariel Levy鈥檚 of Shields in the New Yorker.
3. Oh, the U.S. women鈥檚 soccer team gold, beating Japan 2-1 and, I guess, avenging last summer鈥檚 loss in the World Cup final. The Americans were generally outplayed by Japan鈥檚 pass-and-move game, as the Japanese probably should鈥檝e had a penalty kick and just had more chances than their opponents on the whole. But, as anyone who has watched soccer or lived on Planet Earth for more than five minutes knows, that doesn鈥檛 matter. The U.S. took their chances and held off the technically superior team, capping an insane two-year run that easily could鈥檝e ended 12 different ways, but instead finishes with two straight major finals鈥攁nd a gold medal.
4. Americans Ashton Eaton and Trey Hardee finished first and second, respectively, in the decathlon. Eaton is awesome鈥攁nd he鈥檚 objectively the greatest decathlete of all time鈥攂ut no one really , which is weird if you think about it, because an American winning an event that is comprised of basically every other Olympic event would seem to be the kind of total American, USAUSAUSA domination our country loves. Instead, the most famous decathlete in the world has a plastic face and his current claim to fame is eighth-from-top billing on an E! Entertainment Television program.
5. The U.S. is officially back as the greatest country in the world. It was weird, not being able to close your eyes at night knowing that we鈥檙e the best, wasn鈥檛 it? Americans have now won 90 total medals (39 gold) compared to China鈥檚 81 (37 gold). Also: the winner of the Olympics is given control of the sun for the next four years, which鈥攊f you know anything about astronomy鈥攊s really important.