Welcome to聽Tough Love. Every month, we鈥檙e answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of聽. Have a question of your own? Write to us at聽toughlove@outsideim.com.
My boyfriend and I are both in our forties. I have been working from home for two weeks now because of coronavirus, and I鈥檓 doing everything I can to practice social distancing, both for my own protection and so I don鈥檛 inadvertently spread the virus to others. My boyfriend still goes into his office four days a week, which I understand is a necessary evil, as he is not able to work from home. The issue is that even when he鈥檚 not at work, he doesn鈥檛 seem to be taking social distancing seriously. For instance, yesterday he stopped by a friend鈥檚 house for a drink on his way home, and he buys new groceries almost every day. I know that going to the store is unavoidable sometimes, but in his case I suspect it鈥檚 because he鈥檚 bored, not because we really need anything. He says he believes that people are overreacting to the virus and he doesn鈥檛 think it鈥檚 necessary to be 鈥渆xtreme about it.鈥 I have shared articles with him to show that the virus is more serious than he realizes, but he just ends up getting defensive聽and accused me of buying into propaganda.聽I am doing everything I can but it has gotten to the point where I am fearful that he will bring the virus into our home and make us both sick.
This pandemic is terrifying, and it must feel much nicer to decide it鈥檚 overblown than to absorb the gravity of the crisis. So I get why your boyfriend would choose to ignore science in favor of a reassuring fantasy that everything is gonna be fine. The problem is, as you know, that his choices aren鈥檛 about him. Like a drunk driver, he鈥檚 putting everyone else on the road in danger.
There are bigger questions here鈥攁bout your relative tolerances for risk, and maybe about your relationship. But right now, before anything else, you need to focus on staying safe.
You may be more successful in getting your boyfriend to observe social distancing if you frame it as a favor he can do for you, rather than something he鈥檚 right or wrong about. As in: Look, can you just do this鈥for me鈥攆or the next three weeks? The pandemic will certainly last longer than that, but he鈥檚 more likely to agree to a specific time frame, and that gives you a few weeks of rest (and safety) while you plan your next steps. Of course, you鈥檒l need to renegotiate with him in a few weeks, but we don鈥檛 know what the world will look like by then. I wouldn鈥檛 be surprised if, with time, he ends up coming to the same conclusion as you himself.
If he refuses鈥攊f he keeps going to friends鈥 houses and taking unnecessary shopping trips鈥攖hen you need to start taking action on your own. Do you have another place you can stay for a while, somewhere you could be alone, or could at least quarantine yourself for two weeks before moving in with also-quarantined friends or family? If so, it鈥檚 worth considering moving for the time being, even if it feels drastic. It鈥檚 not as drastic as getting (and spreading) a deadly illness. It鈥檚 not as drastic as causing other people鈥檚 deaths.
If you don鈥檛 have a place to go, or if for some reason you can鈥檛 leave, then you should turn to the things you actually can control to keep yourself safe. That means treating your own home like a possible source of exposure. Designate spaces that only you enter, and consider sleeping separately, even if that means putting a sleeping bag in the corner of the living room. When you enter shared spaces, like the kitchen, do so with the same caution that you would in a grocery store right now, or, god forbid, a hospital: disinfect surfaces, wash your hands, and, of course, don鈥檛 share food or drinks. And ask your boyfriend to stay at least six feet away from you at all times.
If he鈥檚 not willing to accept your physical boundaries, then he鈥檚 not a partner you want. If he accepts them grudgingly, or passive-aggressively, or if he doubles down on his social contact instead of weaning off it鈥攂asically, if he continues to disrespect the sanctity of other people鈥檚 decisions about the risks they want for their own bodies鈥攖hen you need to think hard about whether this is the kind of person you want to continue to spend your life with.
In the meantime, focus on one day at a time, or one morning, or one hour, whatever it takes to make life feel manageable. Try to do physical things, even when you鈥檙e stuck inside. Stay connected with friends and loved ones. Embrace distractions. Embrace pets. Go to bed at a regular time, even if you struggle to fall asleep. And if you can, look for ways to help, whether that means sewing masks or donating money or delivering meals to elderly neighbors. We all need community more than ever, and the best thing we can do to take care of ourselves is to take care of each other.